A Form of BPD Depression

There are many different types of depression.

Some forms of depression can cause people to ruminate/dwell and fixate on what they perceive to be negative, making people catastrophize, blow things out of proportion, and fall into a downward spiral of misery.

Some cause people to become bitter & hate themselves, and/or others, filling them with despondency, apathy, frustration & a sense that things are so broken they’ll never be fixed so why even bother.

Some people have very deep levels of compassion & without knowing how to process & apply things properly, can fall prey to depressive thinking, too, just because the pain they sense from others can cause them to experience empathy that leads to overwhelming feelings of pain to a point where it’s too much and a person just wants to escape it all.

All forms of depression are self-perpetuating & keep the sufferer in a prison of warped and delusional thinking, distorting reality & logic to reinforce the harmful and debilitating thoughts and fears of worry, self-harm, anxiety, hopelessness, etc.

People diagnosed with the same disorders can even experience depression differently. I only know a few other people with Borderline Personality Disorder, but so far, this has been my experience with the specific form of depression that often accompanies BPD.

When I wake up in the morning, it’s never pleasant. No matter what day, no matter what the circumstance, no matter how much sleep I’ve gotten or who I am or am not next to, I never feel rested, nor refreshed nor like I want to get up and face the day. Every single morning, I wake up with difficulty and my first thoughts are always to go back to sleep. I don’t want to be awake ever really, the only thing that keeps me up is that my dreams are often worse than waking life.

When I finally accept the unfortunate reality that I HAVE to get out of bed, I sit up in bed & just do nothing but dread the day. Every morning I sit there and just deliberate… It’s all I can do to keep all the thoughts of ending everything right then and escaping life (yes, right after I wake up all day long until I’m unconscious again and then even in my dreams too) but at least now they’re just thoughts that hinder my motivation & mood alone, not something that actually threaten my safety anymore.

After I finally have started my day, there are brief pauses, momentary reprieves in the constant deafening roar of emptiness inside of my chest that is always ringing and pounding in me like I’m terrified that something’s chasing me. I always feel this way. I’m paranoid, tense, scared, looking behind me always, feeling a fog drifting over me, threatening to disconnect me further from my brain, body, and life. I feel a darkness at the edges of my perception always threatening to creep in and overtake the light. There’s a cold chill in the volatile and unstable reality I exist in. I can’t ever shake it no matter what I do. I can be surrounded by people who love me and still feel like I’m going to die in the next very moment.

I’m depressed because I live in a fictional hell that’s been constructed in my mind due to the fact that I was raised in a dark and scary environment as a kid. I could never let go of that feeling of instability, that the world and all in it, most of all the PEOPLE in it, were dangerous and unpredictable. I learned as a kid to not trust anything or anyone, not even myself, because what seemed to be a certainty, such as parents love their kids, or home is safe. My dad is dead as of about a year now, and I’m still scared. I’m still depressed. I still don’t wanna move my body or think or interact with people or even exist a lot of the time.

Sometimes I feel stupid. I’m depressed, but nothing’s so bad right now. I’m scared, but I’m safe. I’m miserable, yet happy. It’s illogical and nonsensical how my external situation and even who I am as a person have changed so much, yet I can’t ever seem to escape this childhood reality of fear I’ve created and trapped myself in. I blame my father for it and claim he trapped me, but that’s not true. Once I became old enough to realize I didn’t have to be in there, it was my choice to stay put. Now, I’m trying really hard to get out, but it’s still terrifying and the most difficult thing ever.

I wish there were an easy out, some easy fix to depression causing me to waste my life away. There’s not, so I just need to stop dwelling on the fact that I’m procrastinating since that will just contribute to the misery, guilt, and self-fulfilling prophecy. I’m sick of logical fallacies, downward spirals, and making excuses for myself. I’m so tired, I’m always so incredibly exhausted, but I believe that things will get better. For once. I actually believe it to be true ❤ Haribol!

This World is NOT for YOU

I’m not a political person in the least.

It was after studying government & politics that I lost all political inclinations. Similarly, I’m also not a social activist, or someone who really concerns themselves with what’s going on in the world today unless it has to do with kittens and/or new academic/scientific discoveries & breakthroughs. Why?

Because after studying the various subjects of world history, politics, economics, sociology, theology, language, psychology, etc., it becomes painfully clear that history keeps repeating itself & humans continue to devolve instead of evolve solely for one obvious reason that no one wants to acknowledge or admit in mainstream Western culture & society. We don’t want it to be true because it will then invalidate our entire existence as we’ve known it up until now. It will turn our world paradigms on their heads if we accept it as true; it will cause a searing discomfort at the thought that we might have been wrong this whole time & that this error might have almost cost us our realities.

So what is this reason? It’s actually self-evident like I said when we just step back and think about it for a moment. Separate interest. So what does that mean? Separate interest from what? Whose separate interest? First, we address existence/reality in its sum totality, i.e. all of the energy that exists now, has existed in the past, and will exist in the future, that from which all of the temporarily manifest gross matter humans can perceive & manipulate in this material universe. Within this oneness of energy/existence, there is two, duality, a form of separation, despite still being part & parcel of the one original & absolute Whole, far beyond the realm of material reasoning, what to speak of human understanding. The separation is not separation in a physical capacity as this is before the formation of the physical universe. The separation is when the individual unit of consciousness (precursor animating energy for the living entity) turns from Whole-consciousness (what is known as Krishna consciousness, always having the spontaneous devotional service mood toward the centre/Whole) and instead chooses to desire self-service.

It is only possible to exploit that which is lesser, so the finite individual spark of consciousness must descend in a covered state of illusion to a place of finite material resources as this is all that can be manipulated by the jiva-atma (conditioned soul/consciousness). The longer the soul toils in the plane of exploitation & self-service, the heavier the covering of materialism & moral relativism becomes, blinding the soul to its original position & source as an eternal conscious spark of ecstasy in the subservient position to the infinite original source of everything. It is sweeter to serve than be served, to love than to be loved, to give than to receive. To see the joy an act of devotional service can bring to someone will fill the heart of the giver double as much as the receiver. What to speak of giving to the source of giving… the origin of all that we are, we can be, we were, and we will be.

If we can remember that we do not belong in this lower world of selfish separate interest from the Whole, we will rediscover our true natures of units of service, not exploitation. Things fall apart when we are each trying to get everything for ourselves without consideration if anyone else gets anything. But when we water the root of the tree, all the leaves are nourished. Similarly, if we serve the Whole, each individual part of it is satisfied, too. This world does not belong to us & we do not belong to it. This world existed before us & will go on without us. It does not need us & we do not need to be pulled down by it. Yes, it is difficult to try to rise above the ubiquitous nature of the finite that’s always taunting us & whispering lies to us, saying we need to do all of these things to be successful, telling us that untruths are truths & vice versa. Yes, it is a long journey that takes lifetimes, but it is very, very possible to start seeing the positive results of your efforts within a year if you truly & sincerely desire to start trying to work on yourself.

We are creating our realities here in this lesser plane by projecting what we desire to be so onto what is. We constantly go around reinforcing our mental paradigm & anything that doesn’t fit, we ignore and/or take issue with. THIS is what is the problem. We see the material energy as a playground for us to manipulate as we like, as we see fit. But we are any of us tiny finite specks to say that any one of us knows any better than the other? No matter who it is, they will still only be able to see & operate from their limited, biased perspective & self-interested opinion, no matter how objective they try to be. It makes no sense to follow any human, but rather to search out what it is that makes us human, what gave us our humanity & what it means to be human. What is our purpose & who are we truly meant to follow & serve. No matter what we desire, we will always have a master, so we might as well choose the master that will actually liberate us from our temporary material entanglements that are bringing so much emotional turbulence all of the time.

While you may think you don’t care about anything that others are doing or how your actions impact others, it is truly not in one’s best self-interest to ignore the consequences of their actions because contributing to the destruction of society will have negative results in the individual attempting to exploit & self-serve. This brings me to the ultimate point of this rant. No matter your apathy, indifference, pessimism, or cynicism, when you choose to live in a society/civilization because you value the amenities & privileges that come with the institutional protection, you enter into a social contract which holds you responsible & accountable to speaking up when another individual is doing something to the detriment of the overall society. Too many people are silent because they think it doesn’t matter. It does. This idea that people can just do whatever they want, this really permissive culture that’s developing today is fundamentally destructive & divisive.

It’s a fallacy & a lie that people can do whatever they want without consequence in this world, whether you live in a community or not. The natural law of this world is action/reaction so no matter what you do, say, THINK, there is a reaction coming & ignoring it or choosing to not believe it is what keeps us miserable in our self-perpetuated delusion built on laziness & fear. When you choose to live in a society of people, you forfeit the right to do things that are going to destabilize or be detrimental to the overall wellbeing of the community. That’s just fact. There are so many facts in this world that people are trying to use sophistry to argue against, but they’re just pot-stirrers that need to be ignored. Trolls will always exist, but we need to stop giving them such credence. It’s the smallest groups that are always the loudest, so let’s not give into their false reports of how widespread despondency & cruelty are. This is just another trick to keep us down for hope is the greatest weapon. As we all know, “rebellions are built on hope,” and what we need now, just like what we’ve always needed & always will need more than anything is an internal, spiritual rebellion against the misconceptions we’ve been force-fed from birth.

“No man is an island.” You are not alone. Even if you are isolating, you are still intrinsically connected to everyone and everything else. You are constantly impacting others just as they are constantly impacting you, whether intentionally or not. Just like it’s a fact that we are born, get sick, grow old, and die, there are many harsh truths in life we need to accept in order to be able to lead the best, healthiest, happiest, most productive life possible, and one of them is that none of us live in a bubble, no matter how hard we try. Even before we were born & after we will die, we were & will be forever connected to each other and everything else. That is what it means to all be made of the same eternally existent energy/consciousness.

Stop lying to yourself. Stop keeping yourself in a state of depression that is based on fabricated realities. You’ve been deceived & you continue to keep the delusion going. It’s no longer necessary, though. It’s time we let go of our past pains, traumas, hopes, beliefs, realities, existences. It’s time we let go of all preconceived notions of success/failure, good/bad, right/wrong, true/false, etc. These are all man-made concepts & we are capable of so much more than all that. We need to shed our self-imposed limitations, our self-created goals based on our separate desires. We need to stop pretending that we have no impact, effect, or influence over the world. Our very existence changes the entire universal composition. There is only so much to go around, so even the smallest life-form is significant to this world. If we truly want to change this world, become happier, healthier, become the people we wanna be, see everything become better, we have to “be the change we want to see in the world.”

It’s hard, I know. It’s the hardest thing, because it’s the highest thing to aspire for. It’s the sole purpose of existence & the culmination of all that life aims to be and do. However, this is why there are infinite other souls also going through the same thing. We are here to support each other in our respective journeys. No two paths are alike, but what is beneficial & what is detrimental to the advancement of all jiva’s journeys is very obvious when we use our higher judgment. I’m always here for anyone who wants to start making the change. All you gotta do is reach out! Haribol! ❤

God =/= God

Hey! If I amend the first two statements, this applies to me, too!

‘I believe in God.
I’m a Theist.

I consider myself a critical thinker, and it fascinates me that in the 21st century most people still believe in, as George Carlin puts it, ‘the invisible man living in the sky.’

Before we lump all “religious,” “spiritual,” or “theistic” people into the same group, let’s remember that there are countless different traditions & practices that definitely have nothing to do with the currently massively held misconception of misinterpretations, deliberate mistranslations, and missing sections.

It’s tough to fault people for being confused when we’re all told to value and believe things from birth that are logically inconsistent and then never shown how to think critically in school, which to me is mind-blowing, but ever so sadly, not at all surprising anymore. This world exists to lie to us. To dupe & ensnare us, which is why humans are so obsessed with truth & reality. We crave knowledge so we can be right because what we know and believe is real and true.

Honesty & openness are so important because everywhere we turn, there is deceit. Even when not interacting with other humans, this world of matter will convince us of tigers that aren’t there in every bush. It’s just nature, but we can choose to cultivate the gift humans alone have been given, which is the ability for higher thought & abstract reasoning. As such, it just breaks my heart when I see so many people arguing over simple things that could have been solved in elementary school had the kids just been taught how to think & talk instead of just to feel and do without considering consequences or others being affected.

The word/concept of God is far older & far more expansive than the most currently most popular/widespread western translation/transliteration of God which carries such a bulk of connotation with it that for me, it’s almost rendered meaningless. Also, it’s a title, not a name, so that’s also something to consider. The same has happened with the world religion. It now has such heavy connotations that it basically can’t be used as it literally means because 9/10 or more people in the USA at least will not understand.

Religion actually means yoga & vice versa denotatively. It’s from Latin, re-ligiare, to re-bind or re-unite. What this means is that where there once was One, now there is Two, and the process of rejoining with the Whole into this One again is called the practice of religion, or yoga, which is why all yogic practices were once considered religious practices. Again, since religious isn’t used as it really means anymore as it implies dogma & dharma & sins & commandments, & so on, people in the west today seem to favor saying they’re spiritual instead of religious, which I think is a term that’s getting misused as well, because again to me, denotatively it simply means one who believes in spirit, i.e. something supra-mundane & immaterial, aka pre-material, that which existed before even the primordial.

The fact of the matter is that to discuss purely theistic concepts, since they’re so far beyond the realm of what is known & experienced on a daily basis when operating in the physical plane, critical thinking, abstract reasoning, and higher cognitive capacity, while not necessary to understand the spiritual, actually super help when first approaching religion in an intellectual mindset. While this can be the case, however, I maintain a strict position personally that if one truly desires to learn more about any spiritual/religious practice, it is always best to go to the source.

I advise if one truly wants to try and understand what the God phenomenon really is, it’s a matter of having to find the right people actually. Try to find someone who is earnestly, humbly, and sincerely striving to practice what they preach, live their lives as closely to the earliest teachings of their tradition in a way that is wholly personal & not at all dogmatic or about anyone or anything else externally. Then try to open your heart actually. Opening one’s mind is important, but the mind is easily influenced by the heart & true religion is about the heart, not the head 

Batman: White Knight (2017) #1-3 Review

Story Summary

“In a world where Batman has gone too far, The Joker must save Gotham City.

He’s been called a maniac, a killer and the “Clown Prince of Crime” but “white knight”? Never. Until now…

Set in a world where the Joker is cured of his insanity and homicidal tendencies, The Joker, now known as “Jack,” sets about trying to right his wrongs. First he plans to reconcile with Harley Quinn, and then he’ll try to save the city from the one person who he thinks is truly Gotham City’s greatest villain: Batman!”

~*~

So this has been an abnormally emotional ride for me, though I guess that’s not super surprising to anyone who knows my opinion on/history with Harley/Joker. I literally sobbed at the end of issue two, but that’s because of my personal childhood traumas that are what draw me to the characters in the first place.

I keep having to remind myself that these are new iterations of the characters because it’s a completely new twist on their relationship in some ways. Granted, there’s a part of me that’s still suspicious that what’s happening is yet another of Joker’s tricks, but there’s a possibility that that’s not the case. I’ll be damn surprised, however, if they take his character in a totally new direction that’s not been done before, though.

I’m not traditionally a fan of Joker’s original identity being revealed because I feel that that undermines what Joker has worked so hard at becoming. He’s removed any individuality or humanity in himself. He’s worked at becoming what he believes is MORE than human… an ideal… a concept… the very thing that is Batman’s biggest weakness: FEAR itself. Similarly, Batman did the same thing: sacrifice his personal identity to become an ideal, as well. His ideal, however, is a bit more shaky than Joker’s, which is pretty clear cut, but that was part of what kept their relationship going. It’s not a classic good vs evil story. It’s two mentally ill people tormenting each other.

I also am not a big fan of Joker actually being kind to Harley on any level because, again, this is antithetical toward his goals of becoming more than just another supervillain. The brilliance of the Harley/Joker relationship is that he never cared for her more than as a HIGHLY useful resource who stroked his ego & (usually) did what he told her to do. Her obsession over him was due to the unreciprocated affection, and her attraction to him was BECAUSE he was ill since that’s how she was able to relate to him & believe that if she could gain the love of the Joker, it wouldn’t matter if her Dad never loved her.

We’re only on issue 3 so far, so there’s a lot of time for things to be revealed further, and it’s very well written despite me being a bit blasé about the premise, too, since that’s not how mental illness works haha. Again, this is why I’m actually kinda HOPING that it’s just another ruse, because then it’d be more plausible, but let’s see where they take it! I always have to remind myself that this is comics, not real life, so gotta take it with a grain of salt hehe. What can I say though, the more realistic the world & characters, even in a different world, the more invested I am in the story.

Over all, I’d give the series a solid 7/10 so far. But again, this is only after issue 3. If you’re a classic Joker/Batman fan, you’ll probably really dig this comic. If you’re a classic Harley/Joker fan, you might be a bit more apprehensive about it, like me, but it’s definitely still worth the read. I’m eager to continue reading to find out what happens next!

Sincerity is Invincible

I’ve been realizing that there really only is one problem in the world & one solution: exploitative egoism & transferring separate interest to what’s in the best interest of the Whole, respectively. Through deductive reasoning, we can understand that if the needs of the Whole are sated, so are all of the needs of each individual that comprises the Whole. Thus, when we are not always thinking about ourselves and what we need and want and lack and desire, we start to realize that we aren’t the center of the universe. We’re actually not the center of anything at all.

Everything is transient, everything changes, everything decays and gets destroyed. We only have a certain amount of years in a lifetime to do something significant, but we waste our lives in a self-delusion that’s perpetuated and reinforced by the societies we live in. The most ironic lie of civilization today is that while communities speak of existing to provide for the whole of the group, there is no greater example of how greed and power exist within us all and is encouraged to come out through the inherent structures foundational to our societies. We talk about wanting justice and power, but we should be striving for mercy & beauty. Mercy, love, beauty, charm, kindness, compassion, sweetness, affection… these are impervious to hate, to fear, to violence. When someone isn’t able to think rationally, approaching them emotionally through pathos will always be the best way to get through. Kill ’em with kindness honestly does work. Maybe we don’t always get immediate results, but if we can honestly swallow our pride and not let our ego flare out of control to submit ourselves humbly before the person we have trouble respecting and tolerating because we legitimately disagree with them or dislike them, we almost always will disarm them by catching them off guard. This has happened to me many times with trolls when I stream on Twitch. I just respond politely and compassionately to their antics & they’ll more than not just be surprised. I’ve had a few actually apologize and end up following me asking me why I was so nice to them. I told them, “trolls are people, too.”

It can be exhausting trying to maintain faith, courage, optimism, positivity, strength, energy, and even compassion sometimes in the face of all the shit life consistently throws at us, but I’ve really come to feel that although “life is painful, suffering’s a choice.” Since I’ve CHOSEN to see things differently, I’ve actually noticed a real difference. I actually hate myself and people and life less. I actually believe that things WILL get better. I actually believe that with my newfound convictions, I will be able to get where I wanna go, even if it takes lifetimes haha. The point is to never give up; to have patience & compassion on yourself for being where you are, however far you are from where you want to be. You WILL be there eventually, but not alone.

As much as I dislike the fact that I’m human, I have to recognize that humans are social animals, and as much of an introvert as I am, I do still NEED people to help me right now. I’m not strong enough on my own yet, but that’s okay. It doesn’t make me weak or pathetic, it just makes me young. I’m still learning. Youth isn’t about age of body, it’s about wisdom. Some people gain a lot of wisdom from a young age, some never gain that much their own lives. It’s about experiences we undergo by choosing to put ourselves in situations outside of our comfort zones. Imagine that; intentionally choosing to experience pain and discomfort to a certain degree BECAUSE you know that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. It’s like a vaccine: exposing yourself to difficult situations in small doses will help you build your distress tolerance skills so next time you encounter something you perceive as distressing, you’ll be better equipped to handle it.

What we perceive as negative, disaster, calamity, pain, abuse, etc. these things will ALWAYS come in life. We will ALWAYS encounter stuff that we don’t like, but we have to constantly remind ourselves, so what if we don’t like it? It’s not about US. We are just another cog in the wheel of a huge machine. The world/universe doesn’t exist for us & after we leave these temporary material bodies, the world will carry on as though nothing has changed. This is not a BAD thing. This isn’t something that needs to be lamented after. We can take comfort in the knowledge that as units of consciousness, we are animating and illuminating this material word, we are giving life to the dead matter, not the other way around. When all matter has been obliterated, what is our goal then? What is our desire? When all that is material, all we’ve ever known has been removed, what then should we aspire to/for? The same that can be aspired for/attained right now while alive. A shift in consciousness.

We feel alone, separated and cut off from the Whole, but this is simply misconception. We are physiologically inseparable from the whole on a material level compositionally, so why do we think that on an emotional and spiritual level we are disconnected as well? Because we erect the wall of separate interests, choosing to turn from consciousness of the Whole, to solipsism & nihilism. It’s dangerous and it’s antithetical to the cultivation of love and devotion in one’s heart. Even on a bio-evolutionary level, humans are social animals who NEED one another to thrive and flourish. We CAN survive on our own, but it’s just that: bare needs survivalism. If we want to succeed in our goals and become the best that we can be, we need to work together to accomplish greater feats than can be achieved alone. We CAN transform the world through kindness and preaching by example alone because the most inspiring thing is to see someone who is practicing what they preach and maintaining their faith, strength, courage, and convictions in the face of this exploitative world.

We can choose to let the darkness break us, we can choose to let it cloud our vision and take us over completely, or we can master our darkness. We can take the pain and suffering and nothingness we’ve felt, we’ve stared into, contemplating diving into, and use our pain as fuel to gives us the ability to overcome it. When we have been hurt or we have hurt others, we can choose to learn from this experience or not. It’s not that everything has a silver lining, it’s that everything is GOOD. Again, remove human civilization from the planet and everything is in balance, harmonious. Stuff is born, stuff grows, stuff decays, stuff dies. It’s the natural order of the material universe and it isn’t BAD. If we can stop putting so much importance on this dead matter & start looking for something deeper, longer lasting, more valuable, we can find not just a feeling of inner peace, but start to come into contact with the reservoir of unconditional love.

It’s a practice and it takes a lot of time and dedication to unlearn all of the crap we’ve been force fed. Mastery of oneself is literally the toughest path to walk, but it is also the most rewarding. If we can face the lies we’ve swallowed & created ourselves, if we can accept that it’ll be painful and difficult, but that it’ll all be worth it in the end, we’ve already made it. All we need to do is CHOOSE to want that. Everything else will follow naturally because Sincerity is invincible. ❤

An Apolitical Activist

Saw this post on FB this morning & felt the need to respond ’cause I’ve been seeing WAYY too many posts like this: CLICK ME

We need to stop praising people for being dicks to dicks. That’s still super Hammurabian & it’s not like it’s changed his mind at all. She successfully humiliated him for humiliating her. Well done. Feel better now? Good. Glad you feel better about yourself for doing the exact thing he did to you, which is making ad hominem attacks. We need to stop praising people like her. She did something just as bad as he did, but because we don’t like what he said, she’s the hero somehow. If it had been a conversation of her actually trying to have a serious conversation with him about why he has the preconceived notions & perhaps trying to explore something in a less attacking way, he wouldn’t have been so defensive & prone to attacking right off the bat too. Let’s stop fat shaming, but let’s stop ALL shaming. I DO NOT believe in punitive measures, I believe in communication & rehabilitation (or the attempt thereof) for all. PERIOD.

No, my mind will not change, no, I don’t WANT it to. I believe in the right to life, health, & happiness for ALL, no matter HOW wrong you’ve done me or anyone I love. You are still a living entity & I will fight to save & help you no matter what. If you hurt those I love or me, I will think there is something even more seriously wrong with you and try to ensure you get the help you need if I am not qualified enough to get through. There is a place for everyone & everything in this world OTHER than intolerance. Being intolerant of racists, rapists, murderers, terrorists, etc. is actually just part of the problem. Stop DEMONISING people and REALISE that we ALL started as innocent children who got super FUCKED UP by this world and the factors that were out of our control. Sometimes, yes, it’s too late to help undo ALL of the damage, but it’s hardly EVER too late for people to just be locked away and rot, what to speak of just killed and never to have a chance to change at all.

I know this isn’t a popular opinion right now in this super militant world, but I’m vegetarian, I don’t support abortion or capital punishment or anything that involves killing because I support life! This isn’t a political post because those who know me understand that I am 0% political. Politics are an extension of high school drama, to me, yet another way to escape taking personal accountability for one’s issues & just concerning ourselves with others to use as scapegoats. It’s a waste of time & another distraction from addressing the real root of the problem. It’s NO ONE else’s fault. It’s NOT out of our control. Stop watching the damn news, stop reading reddit, stop writing your angry posts about who did what wrong and how it’s going to negatively impact all your lives & look in the god damn mirror.

Did you clap for this girl when you heard her say these things? Do you feel happy when rapists get beaten publicly? Do you like witnessing murderers getting “what they deserve?” Yeah, well, if so, I’d highly recommend talking to a therapist about how your inner ideology/world paradigm is completely contradictory to your alleged life goals & will ALWAYS be causing you pain and difficulty since that’s what logical inconsistencies breed. There is NO place for hurting others or the self. There is NO reason or benefit from exploiting others or trying to win because it’ll always be at the expense of another with these finite resources. Let’s stop thinking about ourselves and our own little friends groups and family circles and extensions of our own EPHEMERAL egos & think about our real friends and family and source of existence… what are we REALLY made of? Where did we REALLY come from? We’re freaking stardust contemplating the stars man… do we really need to concern ourselves with such petty mundane lowly base stuff? Let’s leave these petty human squabbles behind & look up to the stars again.

I want to learn to be a nectar detector, not a drain inspector.
I’m personally gonna choose to aspire to follow the path of humility, tolerance, respect, and affectionate dealings. I can’t force others to do the same, nor would I want to. One can only lead a horse to water, and I’ll keep trying since why the hell else am I existing on this planet if not to help it? Why the hell else should I even be permitted to take any resources from the universe if I’m not trying to give back however I can? I’m tired of simply trying to survive in a dark scary world that’s out to get me all the time, when the world is literally nothing other than what you make of it. And now, I’m choosing to make it better. Join me by literally doing nothing out of the ordinary during the day other than trying to catch yourself each time you feel yourself getting angry, getting irritated, getting upset about something someone else said or did. Then try to take a step back and see what it is that YOU could have done or said differently in that situation. It’s a practice, but if we start doing this more and more, it’s amazing how less difficult life becomes heh.

After all, every wave is favourable if you have the vision to see…
If you ever EVER are feeling less than worth being alive, if you are ever struggling with feelings of hate or anger inside of yourself that you are afraid might consume you, if you want to feel love and joy instead of misery and pain, please, don’t ever hesitate to come and talk to me. Even if I can’t respond immediately, I promise I will get back to you as soon as I can. The most important thing in the world to me is helping to make the world better by helping each living soul find their way back to happiness and health one at a time 🙂 I love you all!! ❤

Here’s To The Future

Greetings, fair reader!
I greatly appreciate you stopping by! I hope you enjoy your stay!

I’ve not had much luck with blogs/journals/diaries/etc in the past, no matter if they were written or not. I haven’t had the discipline nor structure to maintain the ability to regularly dedicate myself to anything really. It’s really much been the bane of my existence, I realised about a few years ago. Well, it may have been the bane of my entire existence, just not consciously.

I’ve also been trying to come to terms with the fact that my pessimism seems to be one of my most self-destructive qualities that impacts my life on a daily basis. It’s insanely difficult to muster any strength to try to change when your track record makes you feel like you’re destined to fail, so why even bother?

Basically what I’m saying is, I’ve not been able to maintain a regular blog in the past before, but I’m 27 now, and working on my self-discipline a bit more, and since there are so many projects I’m trying to publicly advertise now, it’ll be beneficial to have some place I can regularly update with news as to how everything’s progressing. Thus I shall try harder than ever before & hopefully, with your encouragement, I’ll finally be able to establish a little routine/schedule in my life so that I can take some time each week/day to jot a few words down.

I’ll also post have posts that are more about my personal life & struggles, but those will be posted elsewhere. The site’s basic structure & layout is still being changed around.

Thanks so much for all your support! Just clicking on my links help out!
Hope to see you back soon!

Cheers,
– Jax ❤