Terrae

Oh, how I wanted you to last forever.
Oh, how I never wanted to leave.

The golden patterns rippling across the shimmering waters were magical. The soft clouds that encircled and dissolved me permitted me to melt into you slowly. Sweet scented iridescence perforated me, disintegrating me, and I merged into you. l felt like I’d become a core, integral part of you. This state of existence was so subtle and sublime that anything tethering me to our concrete constructs of destruction would only taint it, so I had to give it all away.

You murmured to me from beneath the grass as I dug my fingers into your moist dark earth, trying to ground myself, desperately trying not to slip away from everything again. You assured me that all I’d been seeking was already here, inside you, inside me. I was afraid you weren’t real, that your voice wasn’t your own, that you were mute, deaf, and dumb just like the rest of the surface dwellers believed.

I was frightened by a life I didn’t understand, forms and formless entities within and without me, which came before, still existed, and would continue existing after everything else was gone. I didn’t know I was missing anything, yet somehow, still, I felt a void within.

I felt you embrace me, though, that one day I finally chose to listen when you whispered to me through the cool breeze, rustling grass, bushes, and trees. There were barely any sounds, but I heard your echoing voice calling to me, soothing yet powerful, and I couldn’t resist. I wanted to know you, to be with you, but I didn’t know what that meant. I didn’t know what to do, but you came and took me away.

When you swallowed me whole, engulfed me fully, the soil filled my lungs and throat. I felt like I was drowning, being buried alive. When you brought me down deeper into you, I let go, transformed, given new life, new breath, in a way I’d never even imagined possible. You, your world, your being, your essence, you filled me, deconstructed me, and drew every speck of my being back into you. We were together, reunited, and you showed me Earth as you were meant to be seen and known.

And it felt like home. More so than any other home I’d ever had. I was yours and you were mine. And I was whole, like you. With you. Together. Inseparable. Intertwined.

You showed me birth and decay, life and death, darkness and light, and how none of it is separate, none is right nor wrong, good nor evil. You showed me how all of it is part of you, of me, and of all of us who belong to you, belong with you.

Your touch, your scent, your existence was life itself, but you showed me that being alive meant dying eventually.

You showed me how you were dying, and I myself wanted to die with you, too.

Story of a Selkie

She’s standing barefoot on the boulders overlooking the crashing waves. The deafening wind blows her long pale hair across her face. She barely notices as the loose strands whip her skin forcefully. She’s in a trance, fully captured by the mesmerizing scene before her. She’s numb to her icy surroundings. There is no sun peeking through the overcast sky to warm her. She wouldn’t feel it anyway.

She’s paralyzed, transfixed to the spot, an ethereal statue on the edge of the cliff. There are scratches on her body, tears in the thin nightgown that gave no protection from the dry brush she frantically ran through to get here. She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t feel. She was already numb. 

She can’t hear the voices traveling on the wind. She can’t hear anything but the sound of the cascading waters below her, the waves breaking onto the weathered rocks. The foamy waters are pouring into every crevice of the craggy coastline. Her breath is shallow, and while she’s suffocating less than she was, she’s still struggling just to exist. She can barely see through the tears searing her wide eyes, the droplets carried from her ivory cheeks by the wind. 

Her chest is swelling with the tide. She’s breathing in the salty ocean air, letting it fill every inch of her. She wants to dissolve into the atmosphere and be swept out to sea. She wants to escape this prison she’s trapped in. She needs to be free again, to merge with the world instead of being separated from it. They’ve captured her and taken her from all she knew, all she was. The pain resounding in her is unlike anything she’s felt before. She needs to go home. 

Her thoughts stray to the hide tucked away somewhere out of reach. She may never find it. She can’t go home like this, but she’s desperate. She will die if she tries to go back now, but she’s dying anyway. This isn’t how it was meant to be. This isn’t who she is. She only ever wanted to learn, to explore. Was that such a crime? 

She hears the footsteps now, the voices shouting to her. She’s running out of time. She has to decide now. She closes her stinging eyes and breathes in deeply, decisively. At least she’ll be free one last time. At least she’ll be home again, even if not for long. They’re frighteningly close now. It’s now or never. She jumps, diving head first into the water only a foot past the rocks, but the boulders just below the surface catch her fragile body, and it breaks. 

They’ve fallen quiet when they reach the cliff, approaching in silent apprehension, afraid of what they know they’ll see. She floats to the surface and is rocked back and forth by her watery cradle. The weight of their guilt pains them as they watch her lithe body being carried out to sea. Her face is peaceful.

She finally made it home. 

Eulogy for Grandpa Ric, 10 years later.

My last memory of Grandpa Ric was when he was on his deathbed. He was fortunate to be in his own bed, in his own home that he himself had built, surrounded by his family as he began the process of shedding his mortal coil.

I remember the dim lighting, the quiet sobbing, the intimate embraces, and the hymns being sung, softly & gently at first, then growing louder & stronger as everyone tearfully joined in.

“Swing low, sweet chariot
Coming for to carry me home,
Swing low, sweet chariot,
Coming for to carry me home.”

The raspy gurgling sounds he made after he slipped into his coma were uncomfortable, but almost soothing in their constancy. He was drowning before us, and there was nothing we could do but be there for him, with him, with each other as he faded away before us.

I was 18 when I first witnessed Death. I am still ever so grateful for this experience. I am so glad I got to be with him, with everyone, as he passed from this world and into the next, escorted by the merciful Reaper who gets such a bad rap.

As an awkward teenager, it was difficult not only to be losing a beloved family member, but also to witness & share in the mourning of this devastating event that seemed simultaneously to go on forever, yet over too fast.

“Amazing Grace! how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now am found
Was blind but now I see

Through many dangers, toils, and snares
I have already come
‘Tis grace that brought me safe thus far
And grace will lead me home”

I think this was one of the few times I bolstered myself into joining in with the “Masten von Trapp” family as they sang their farewells to the great troubadour & self-dubbed bard. I’d always been too shy and self-conscious to perform with them all at what was then known as Morgan’s Coffee Shop, downtown Monterey, near Alvarado Street. It was a yearly event they engaged in for a while that I’d missed out on, just like so many of the other poetry recitations & musical performances Ric Masten & his family participated in like First Night & the Thunderbird Bookstore readings.

I now lament my foolish teenaged egocentricism in retrospect, but I was too young to even appreciate what was going on & the depth of the words my grandfather wrote & recited. I even felt irritated that I’d be dragged along to such functions when I had my pubescent existential misery & self-loathing to wallow in. Oh, if I’d only listened properly, perhaps my myopic woes might have been assuaged ever so slightly by his profound realizations & poetic transcriptions.

I listened to him gasping for air that night, though. I listened to the grief & love that was thickening the air like a comforting blanket to ease his journey into the beyond. I wasn’t scared of death in this moment, interestingly enough. It wasn’t scary to see him this way, only painful thinking he might be suffering, desiring to see him finally get relief in sweet release.

When grandpa’s noises waned, my aunt who had been monitoring his pulse, feeling it slow and presumably stop, declared that he’d passed after a final moment of silence.

Only for him to breathe one more, rattling and incredibly loud breath, startling the whole room into laughter, breaking the reverent quiet.

“Oh Ric, always insisting on having the final say, surprising everyone, and making us laugh in spite of the harsh and biting realities of life.”

This eulogy comes too late as it’s now been over a decade since he left this world, but it’s only now as I near 30 that I really am starting to appreciate the gifts he left behind for us, for me. I am so glad I got to feel his spirit lingering in the room, bidding us all a final affectionate farewell, before abruptly leaving the room cold, letting us physically feel the loss of his presence before us.

His third (and final) installation of his self-published book series, “Words & One-Liners” entitled “Take Three (Not Dead Yet)” arrived the next morning. How apropos in some way. I helped another aunt make a death mask for him, touching his cold, lifeless face the way no one else would but her. Later on, when I missed him, I hugged one of the masks she made & wore one of his sweaters, simply to spend some time with him again.

The strangest thing happened that night after he passed away. He came to me in my dream. We were leaning on our arms on a table, gazing at one another lovingly, and he had a camera pointed directly at me. This was long before I decided to face my crippling fear of performance art & start to dabble in modeling, choosing to face the camera instead of continuing to hide from it. The dream, to me then, remembering it the next morning, signified that he was taking a piece of me with him, telling me he wouldn’t forget me. It was an artistic catharsis & one last goodbye.

Only now am I thinking about how funny it is that he, friends with photographers, but never really one himself, bid me adieu in such a manner. Perhaps, now that I reflect more on it, it was part of the reason I chose to step in front of the lens despite all of my panic & dread when it came to attention being directed at me. I muse upon it all now & think about how interesting and cyclical life and all of its nuances really are, and why his song, “Let It Be A Dance,” became known as his magnum opus, added into the Unitarian Universalist hymnal after he’d been ordained a UU minister.

Just as you said your final goodbye to me that evening, I say my final goodbye to you now, Grandpa Ric. I’ll see you on the other side, and until then, I’ll try my best to always let it be a dance. I love you ❤

“A child is born, the old must die.
A time for joy, a time to cry.
So take it as it passes by,
And let it be a dance.

Let it be a dance we do.
May I have this dance with you?
Through the good times and the bad times too,
Let it be a dance, we do.”

JAX LIFE NEWS UPDATE

So y’all know I have a tendency of being *ahem* somewhat verbose, but I’ll do my utmost best to be AS concise AS possible in this update. But, seriously, there’s a LOT of recent updates, so if you wanna know what’s going on with me, just know you’ll need to be prepared for the long haul haha ❤ 

~*~

HEALTH

  1. I just finished my first Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Module this week. It was relatively informative & helpful, but I’ll need more actual practical examples & role play scenarios for it to really stick, I think. I’ll be starting the next module in the Fall, because I will be all over the place in Summer.
  1. My new psychiatrist is still adjusting my meds, which, I’m not gonna lie here, is quite hellish. I’m all over the map emotionally. The good news is that I’m feeling a little less depressed/despondent. The bad news is that I’m hypo/manic af, which ranges between totally irresponsible/unreliable & risky/impulsive behaviors to irascibility/irritability nearing explosive rage again, & this constant restlessness/pressure to do ALL THE THINGS at all times!!

    The main problem w/ having the all of this pent up creative/productive motivation & energy wanting to come out, however, is that if it’s untempered by proper medication & clinical therapy, I’ll crash and burn again, and probably sink back into that debilitating state of depression & despondency, that keeps me in bed doing nothing for days to weeks, to months to years, so I’m doing my utmost best to monitor everything & keep my thoughts, energy, & moods in check.
  1. I’ve been super inconsistent w/ my diet & exercise, but as I said, I’ve been inconsistent w/ EVERYTHING & still either under or over sleeping/eating, which will just make me so tired that I end up not wanting to do anything at all, so I’ll just take the easiest path, which is often the least healthy option. It’s a work in progress, though, just like everything else, so I’m trying to not let this blip get me too discouraged & just keep on keepin’ on as best I can.
  1. I have a TON of appointments to schedule/keep & calls to make that are super important when it comes to continuing to receive benefits & healthcare. I really need to find out if I can get dental/vision covered here because I just lost my last pair of glasses, which I need to drive, soooo yeah…. I’m being super avoidant about making the calls & appts, so this has been exceedingly challenging & I’m doing my best to try to reach out to friends & support networks to help me in getting these things done. Slow going, but again, WIP…

~*~

FINANCES

  1. Still poor af, but at least my folks are letting me stay w/ them free of charge, as difficult as it may be to try to have a life at almost 30 & still be under your parents’ thumb since they have a totally different lifestyle & schedule, thus waking them up when I get home late is really troublesome as they work so early. I at least have all of my medical services covered though, so therapy, meds, GP/PCP appts, etc. is all free, & I get a couple hundred bucks per month for food & general aid like gas, toiletries, etc, but tbh it barely covers anything & with my most recent manic spending spree, I’ve been broke this entire month, continuing to dip into negatives in my checking accounts. Hopefully the worst of this manic impulsive spending spree is over, though. I usually don’t even buy anything other than comics & gas really haha.
  1. My SSI appeal & SSDI application are STILL processing, but this isn’t abnormal. Until I can get federal aid, however, I can’t move out on my own again, since all the housing around here is either way too expensive or lacking in privacy, which is a huge deal for my sanity/mental health. I’m a very, VERY reclusive & introverted person who needs a LOT of alone time & even having one close person like a family member in the house coughing from time to time puts me on edge, reminding me I’m not alone. I have great support though this time when it comes to my applications such as social workers, case workers, providers, etc. backing me up & fighting for me because they believe I really do need this help, and while it can be embarrassing to say, yeah, I’m intelligent, articulate, talented, young, etc., I’m also disabled, though you probably wouldn’t be able to know that when looking at me or talking to me. It took almost 15 years of floundering & screwing up my life as well as that of others in many painful ways, dropping out of more than 5 diff colleges, not lasting in a job or relationship for even 2 years, being in & out of states of depression where I was basically agoraphobic & socially anxious to the point where I couldn’t leave the house or socialize at all practically for YEARS. I wasted YEARS of my life, and now at 29, I’m having to humble myself and admit that I need help. Real help. Significant help. Long term help.

    I still have hopes & dreams & goals like any other human when it comes to this life, but I have to finally admit that I don’t think it’s possible for me to achieve them on my own. I need extra support, patience, time, resources, etc. in order to even take a baby step when everyone else is lapping me on the track without anything other than their own skills and abilities. It can make me feel defective, inferior, & worthless, but then I have to remind myself that I can do things others can’t and can offer the world stuff others wouldn’t be able to, I just need to do things in my own way, as time consuming, draining, and exhausting as it may be. I don’t wanna give up though. Not anymore. I have hope now. Even if all this time has passed and I have not very much to show for it, I have hope that with the right support, maybe I could achieve some dreams & do some real, amazing work that might even be able to help affect some lasting change in the world, Inshallah ❤

~*~

EDUCATION

  1. I finally registered for courses at the local community college in the Fall. I didn’t feel ready to just jump right in for Summer quarter, plus there’s a lot I’m doing these next two months, which is why everything’s gonna be just getting things prepared for Fall. I’ll be taking a basic Math course to get my fundamentals solidified as I really wanna do it right this time if I want to go down the science track. I don’t wanna be overwhelmed & drop out again, so I’ve got the college’s disability/accessibility resource center behind me which will help with class & work accommodations & extra tutoring & all that jazz. Let’s hope the… 6th? 7th? time’s the charm? lol I’m trying to do everything right this time & really learn as much as I can about the college, the campus, the clubs, the resources, etc. as far in advance as possible so it’ll be minimal stress & maximum support right from the get go. I also enrolled in a college success course & a yoga course to try to get me some accountability with just being active, regular, & healthy.
  1. I still wanna go down the Cognitive Science/Neuroscience/Psycholinguistics track, which means that ideally, if I can get these basics gen eds covered within the next few years & somehow figure out how to financially make it viable, I’d still really love to attend the University of Edinburgh since they’re world renowned for cutting edge research in all to do with psychology, even parapsychology. There’s a part of me that’s still hoping I could reclaim my Spanish citizenship & that Scotland/Britain stays within the EU program so I could get EU citizen benefits instead of being an American abroad. That’d be the dream, but I’d also love to study abroad/live somewhere in either India or a Spanish speaking country if they had a good school for Cognitive Neurolinguistic research… it’s just a, uh, hyper specialized field. 

~*~

CREATIVITY

  1. After moving to Bellingham, I was at first just concerned w/ getting my health back on track, but I started getting lonely/feeling like I needed to make some friends & connections that weren’t just medical health professionals, so I looked into some local FB groups & downtown locations & have really lucked out! I found a really great local comic shop that I opened a pull list with, which meant I sadly had to close my hold box at Black Cat in SLC, but hey, I gotta support local, right? This comic shop does a lot of events & has a local comic creators meet up group, which has reignited the metaphorical fire under my butt to crank out my long-time WIP comics. It’s a ton of work learning how to translate writing short story/novel format into comics for me, but I’m figuring it out w/ some amazing help coming from many different avenues. I’m grateful for all the help, support, & friendship, guys! Means a ton. There’s even a local comic con here that I’ll be attending this October & I’m planning to go to Emerald City Comic Con for the first time for my 30th birthday present in March 2020. Goal is to at least have one comic finished by then. We shall see. Hopefully I’ll be able to whip up some new cosplays for them, too! 
  1. In addition to there being an awesome comic, cosplay, gaming, & general nerdy/geeky community here in B-Ham that I’m slowly starting to connect with, there’re also great photography, filmmaking, & horror communities! With the nature, social services, family, chill hippie vibe, and everything else, it’s like I couldn’t have found a better place to move to! How fortuitous! Maybe even serendipitous 😉 There’s this exciting horror filmmaking festival here called Bleedingham & I was invited to participate this year, so we’ll see how that unfolds/manifests! I’ve always wanted to get involved in film somehow, being such a ridiculously intense cinephile, so maybe this will be that in!

    I also have been making connections with some local photographers & am super excited to have scheduled my first photoshoot in a looooong time for this weekend that’ll be horror/androg themed w/ a photographer I met in one of the FB groups! We met up for coffee & I can confirm, he’s a super awesome person as well as photographer. He dabbles in filmmaking as well & all in all, our aesthetic/stylist preferences really seem to jive, so let’s hope we work together well, too, not just get on personally ;P 
  1. I’ve also been gaming a wee bit again, though I have no consoles nor PC, so I’m playing old school point & click RPGs that my Crapbook can barely run, so I can’t even stream them, but I’ve been thinking to start doing some social streams to keep people apprised on what I’ve been up to & what my goals are for the near future. I never really got into vlogging or social streaming before, but I realized that I have a YT channel that just sits there & I can go live on various other platforms to just chat w/ everyone & let y’all know what I’m doing when I’m too tired to make full blown update posts like this. Plus the interactivity is nice. Fun chatting w/ everyone & if I had some more stability, time, energy, & regularity in my life, I really would try to catch you all when you go live more often, too. I follow so many creators, though, that it’s so hard to keep on top of what everyone’s doing & when. I see the notifications, & do my best to support in the tiniest of ways I feel able to, but please just know that I still love & support you all so much. One day, hopefully I’ll be back in the online social networking scenes with a bit more regularity again. 

~*~

SUMMER

  1. For those of you who don’t know, one of the biggest & most exciting events coming up for me this summer is that I’ll be attending a Bhakti Yoga Retreat in Santa Cruz, CA, at the very Ashram I first met the devotees of the worldwide mission & spiritual tradition I was initiated into about 8 years ago now. It was at this very temple that I received formal initiation into this ancient disciplic succession that can be traced back to the beginnings of human civilization & beyond in both a spiritual and scientific way. I became a disciple of my guru 1/1/11 after only having been hanging with the devotees for a few months, but it just felt right. I finally felt home for the first time in my life & like I’d finally met my real family who really understood & cared for me on this deeper level than I could even fathom. I’ve never been one for organized anything, religion, God, groups or communities, etc. but here I am, 8+ years later, still a member of this community & finally getting to return to my spiritual birthplace to reunite w/ my spiritual family members again after so long. I wanted to go last year to the first Govinda Mela Retreat, but wasn’t able to due to health & funds, so this year, at the behest of a friend, I made a GoFundMe, not expecting anything to come from it, but lo and behold, only 2 days after I created the fundraiser, I’d reached my goal & was able to buy my ticket to actually be able to attend this year’s festival.

    I’m still incredulous & infinitely grateful for the love & support you all have shown me when it comes to my meagre attempts at trying to progress in my spiritual practices & personal internal growth. The journey is a long & winding one, but it’s one I refuse to ever quit now that I’ve actually set my foot firmly on the path. I know it’s the right one for me. I feel it in my bones & even if I feel like I’m constantly failing at what it means to be a good practitioner, a good devotee, a good disciple to my spiritual master, I am told that this is just all part of the path & to take it all in stride. This is all part of the journey itself, so I always have to remind myself that it’s not like I’m going anywhere linearly or externally. It’s always just about going deeper into myself and continuing to face all of that crud that’s covering the mirror of my heart so that I can wipe it away & allow myself to reflect real unconditional love & light into this world instead of a perverted, warped, and filtered version of my own mental conception of it. I am truly hopeful that I may be able to participate in the festivities & activities with strength, vigor, and enthusiasm because it will mean the world to me if I’m able to at least show some real dedication to this path when I’m there in the service & association of these incredible & incomparably affectionate & beneficent personalities. Thank you so much again, everyone! 
  1. And finally, after coming back from Sri Govinda Mela in Santa Cruz, I’ll need a little downtime/recuperation time before getting back into the car & driving 14+ hours again back to Utah to get the rest of my stuff. Since it’s such a long & draining drive for me, I’m gonna plan to stay a couple of weeks to sort through all of my stuff, maybe consign some things, sell some stuff (ha, as if I have anything of value), and it would be super duper awesome if I have the time & energy to even schedule some hang outs & artistic collaborations w/ all the lovely connections & friends I still have in SLC. 

~*~

This is basically everything that I can think of right now, but let me know if you have any questions or if there’s anything you think I might’ve left out. God bless you if you actually read all of this because I know it’s a freaking essay haha. And yes, this was literally me trying to be concise. Imagine how long this would have ended up if I’d let my verbosity get the better of me. 

Once again, thank you ALL for everything you’ve done, even if it’s just been following me/staying friends with me throughout all of the bouts of oscillating manic insanity & depressed radio silence as I simply attempt to merely survive living. Your continued presence throughout these years has been immensely appreciated as the lonely goth kid who everyone shunned, abused, & abandoned repeatedly in me still wonders in awe why you do it. The weird child I was inside, trying so desperately to fit in for so long, only to just say screw it, I’ll intentionally reject society, keeping me just as lonely, but at least able to feel a bit more authentic, never in a million years would have thought it possible that there would be people from around the globe wanting to actively keep tabs on my life & work and that alone makes the fight to keep surviving this self-destructive, torturous mind & body worth it. I love you ALL so much. Seriously. I don’t say this lightly. Love is a very very sacred thing to me, but I truly do love each & every single one of you. You make life worth living, you give me hope, you inspire me, and you make me feel less lonely ❤

I know I don’t have much to give in the way of friendship or emotional support on a deeper interpersonal level because I’m already so drained trying to simply support myself, but if you ever feel seriously distraught emotionally, if you ever feel like you can’t go on, like you can’t possibly share what you’re going through because no one would believe you, understand, relate, or maybe even would just judge & ridicule you for it, I AM HERE FOR YOU. PLEASE reach out to me. I always run very low on spoons, but for one who is greatly suffering, I will do my best to scramble to find as many spoons as possible, even if they’re plastic, disposable, dirty, broken, or whatever. I’ll do whatever I can to be there to support you in that moment because I know just how horrendously difficult living in this plane of existence can be & I care more than anything else about being someone who people understand is here first and foremost to try to help make their life & the place they live in better, even if it’s just with one short convo at a time. I’m here. I’m trying. I’m doing what I can. And because of you all, I’ll never stop trying. Thank you thank you thank you ad infinitum. 

Hare Krishna! Jay Gurudev! 

I am always, eternally, & humbly your affectionate well-wisher ❤

The Descent into Hell Is Easy

My first memories…

As hard as I’ve tried to recall anything else, the first memory I can remember is from when I was younger than four years old.

We were living in Barcelona at the time, just my mother & father and me. She was all alone in a foreign country with no friends or family there and a deadbeat alcoholic Spanish maniac living off of her, squeezing everything he could out of her, and psychologically abusing her, whilst ignoring the baby in the bassinet whose mouth he’d propped a milk bottle in so he didn’t have to hear it cry as he painted in the other room.

I remember walking home with my mother at night after getting groceries. The moonlight would reflect off of the statues on top of La Casa Milà and they reminded me of gargoyles watching over everything. Of all the things in my life, they were the least frightening and actually somewhat comforting for some strange reason.

When we had reached the apartment, my mother told me to go in whilst she gather the bags or whatever she was doing. I remember being too short to reach the light switch and just standing there in the darkness wondering if my father were home. I remember calling out for him, and then suddenly falling silent as I saw something glowing in the distance.

As it came closer to me in the silent darkness of the apartment, I realized it was a skull – a silent, glowing skull floating toward me in the blackness, slowly, steadily, ever closer and closer. I remember screaming and screaming like I was going to die. Then my mom came in and turned on the light.

And then I saw my father take off a glowing skull mask, laughing and laughing like he’d just heard a funny joke. 
That’s my first memory.

Everything before and after until we moved away from Spain, before I went to kindergarten, is mostly just more black silent darkness. And I still live there how many years later. I live in this darkness that’s deafeningly silent, so quiet that there’s an echoing reverberation inside of me, all around me, at all times.

I think it’s me still screaming. Always screaming. 
Always in the darkness alone with my terror. 
To this day.

My next memory is still around that time period, and then there’s nothing more until kindergarten, when I was 5 & back in America.

Other than the memory of the glowing skull, all I remember from that time period was ‘Il Nino’ – the life-size wax head my father liked to keep in a fruit bowl on a side table surrounded by fresh fruit. He thought it was very amusing. She looked so realistic to my child eyes. I was always afraid she was going to come alive and look straight at me.

When I crept toward my parents’ room in the darkness after a having a nightmare, I would press my back into the wall and never take my eyes off of Il Nino’s head in the fruit bowl. The way the moonlight glinted off her big glass eyes made me sure she was going to blink and turn slowly to look at me at any moment.

She had real human hair and was hollow so my dad could put her atop a broomstick and wrap a sheet around it, pretending that she was a real person and dancing around the house with her shouting, “Es Il Nino! Il Ninooo!!” and cackling up a storm with some kind of perverse glee. I didn’t understand it at the time, but it disturbed me.

When I was in 1st grade a few years later, we were tasked with a creative writing assignment. I wrote a story about Il Nino which concerned my teacher so much she brought it to my mother’s attention. My father wasn’t even with us anymore, and I didn’t consciously feel there was anything to be afraid of, but there was still that lingering feeling deep down inside of me that always made me feel wrong and unsafe.

Now Booking for 2018!

Hey everyone!

I’m excited to report that I’m finally able to start booking photoshoots & scheduling event gigs again! Yay!

I like to book cosplay & con work a few months in advance, if possible, but am able to do local photoshoots & short films on 2-3 weeks notice, depending.

A list of my most recent events & work from 2017 & 2018 can be found here.
A list of my upcoming cosplays & planned events can be found here.

If you’re interested in working together, especially doing some photoshoots or short vids of my Oddleif and/or moon godlike cosplays, please contact me on Facebook with your collaboration ideas, related samples of your work & timeframes.

Thank you!
– Jax ❤

Praying is Hard

So, I want to learn how to pray to “God,” or in the Vaishnava tradition, who/what is known as/called “Krishna.”
 
And not in a mercenary way. I don’t want to pray to the Source of all sources, Cause of all causes, Reality the Beautiful, & the Sweet Absolute to GIVE me something. What more could I possibly need than to just have a connection with the very origin of existence & love itself!
 
No, I’m not trying to pray because I want or need anything, but rather because I’m trying to reach out and (re)establish a link with that eternal, infinite, benevolent root energy that is the precursor to material energy.
 
I don’t know how to address this quintessential concept that is so far beyond my realm of humanly comprehension. How does one pray to that which we are all an integral part of, that which we all come from & return to, that primordial force that animates us & enables us to perceive our subjective experiences of reality simultaneously.
 
People talk about praying to God a lot, but to attempt to conceive of what true omnipotence is, to imagine God as Consciousness WILLING material energy to temporarily manifest from the precursor energy in various forms, one tiny speck (this universe, my body as a part of it) of which I am existing within for a tiny speck of time (28-? years as Jax Bayne)… well, it’s so far beyond anything we can even write about… the PRECURSOR to sentience… the sentience quotient doesn’t even apply!
 
Words break down when you try to conceive of things that are possible within this universe, what to speak of other universes, or that which the universes came from! I understand part of the reason for the human-like form of God is to help overcome this brain-blowing awe-filled paralysis & can have a more personal relationship with said Concept (as mentioned above) but still! I find it incredibly difficult to separate the conception of God from what true omnipotence is, so it makes it really hard for me to try to pray.
 
What do you say to that which made all as it is, that which knows how everything will go because it wills it so, when things feel so predetermined, how can I formulate any prayer at all, especially when anything I DO want, I know I’m not taking the steps toward attaining in the first place. If I want a connection with Krishna, why am I not praying for that connection? If I have no other prayer, perhaps I should pray for my free will to be interfered with, because obviously, I’m the only thing standing in my way.
 
What is my prayer? Help me learn to accept the help that is always being offered? Help me to have less of an aversion to doing the things that will get me to where I want to be? I don’t even want to pray for help. It’s not that I lack motivation, because I do want to do these things, so I don’t get it. Why? How about that for a prayer… Please help me to discover why I keep avoiding what I want to do in the first place? Then maybe that’ll help me figure out how to change that behavior if I know why I keep engaging in it? Idk this all seems external to me still somehow…
 
So, yeah, long story short: when you feel like you should pray though you don’t necessarily feel like you want to & kinda don’t wanna do what you’re told/advised, and don’t even really want or need anything… what kinda prayer do you even make? o.O

A Form of BPD Depression

There are many different types of depression.

Some forms of depression can cause people to ruminate/dwell and fixate on what they perceive to be negative, making people catastrophize, blow things out of proportion, and fall into a downward spiral of misery.

Some cause people to become bitter & hate themselves, and/or others, filling them with despondency, apathy, frustration & a sense that things are so broken they’ll never be fixed so why even bother.

Some people have very deep levels of compassion & without knowing how to process & apply things properly, can fall prey to depressive thinking, too, just because the pain they sense from others can cause them to experience empathy that leads to overwhelming feelings of pain to a point where it’s too much and a person just wants to escape it all.

All forms of depression are self-perpetuating & keep the sufferer in a prison of warped and delusional thinking, distorting reality & logic to reinforce the harmful and debilitating thoughts and fears of worry, self-harm, anxiety, hopelessness, etc.

People diagnosed with the same disorders can even experience depression differently. I only know a few other people with Borderline Personality Disorder, but so far, this has been my experience with the specific form of depression that often accompanies BPD.

When I wake up in the morning, it’s never pleasant. No matter what day, no matter what the circumstance, no matter how much sleep I’ve gotten or who I am or am not next to, I never feel rested, nor refreshed nor like I want to get up and face the day. Every single morning, I wake up with difficulty and my first thoughts are always to go back to sleep. I don’t want to be awake ever really, the only thing that keeps me up is that my dreams are often worse than waking life.

When I finally accept the unfortunate reality that I HAVE to get out of bed, I sit up in bed & just do nothing but dread the day. Every morning I sit there and just deliberate… It’s all I can do to keep all the thoughts of ending everything right then and escaping life (yes, right after I wake up all day long until I’m unconscious again and then even in my dreams too) but at least now they’re just thoughts that hinder my motivation & mood alone, not something that actually threaten my safety anymore.

After I finally have started my day, there are brief pauses, momentary reprieves in the constant deafening roar of emptiness inside of my chest that is always ringing and pounding in me like I’m terrified that something’s chasing me. I always feel this way. I’m paranoid, tense, scared, looking behind me always, feeling a fog drifting over me, threatening to disconnect me further from my brain, body, and life. I feel a darkness at the edges of my perception always threatening to creep in and overtake the light. There’s a cold chill in the volatile and unstable reality I exist in. I can’t ever shake it no matter what I do. I can be surrounded by people who love me and still feel like I’m going to die in the next very moment.

I’m depressed because I live in a fictional hell that’s been constructed in my mind due to the fact that I was raised in a dark and scary environment as a kid. I could never let go of that feeling of instability, that the world and all in it, most of all the PEOPLE in it, were dangerous and unpredictable. I learned as a kid to not trust anything or anyone, not even myself, because what seemed to be a certainty, such as parents love their kids, or home is safe. My dad is dead as of about a year now, and I’m still scared. I’m still depressed. I still don’t wanna move my body or think or interact with people or even exist a lot of the time.

Sometimes I feel stupid. I’m depressed, but nothing’s so bad right now. I’m scared, but I’m safe. I’m miserable, yet happy. It’s illogical and nonsensical how my external situation and even who I am as a person have changed so much, yet I can’t ever seem to escape this childhood reality of fear I’ve created and trapped myself in. I blame my father for it and claim he trapped me, but that’s not true. Once I became old enough to realize I didn’t have to be in there, it was my choice to stay put. Now, I’m trying really hard to get out, but it’s still terrifying and the most difficult thing ever.

I wish there were an easy out, some easy fix to depression causing me to waste my life away. There’s not, so I just need to stop dwelling on the fact that I’m procrastinating since that will just contribute to the misery, guilt, and self-fulfilling prophecy. I’m sick of logical fallacies, downward spirals, and making excuses for myself. I’m so tired, I’m always so incredibly exhausted, but I believe that things will get better. For once. I actually believe it to be true ❤ Haribol!

This World is NOT for YOU

I’m not a political person in the least.

It was after studying government & politics that I lost all political inclinations. Similarly, I’m also not a social activist, or someone who really concerns themselves with what’s going on in the world today unless it has to do with kittens and/or new academic/scientific discoveries & breakthroughs. Why?

Because after studying the various subjects of world history, politics, economics, sociology, theology, language, psychology, etc., it becomes painfully clear that history keeps repeating itself & humans continue to devolve instead of evolve solely for one obvious reason that no one wants to acknowledge or admit in mainstream Western culture & society. We don’t want it to be true because it will then invalidate our entire existence as we’ve known it up until now. It will turn our world paradigms on their heads if we accept it as true; it will cause a searing discomfort at the thought that we might have been wrong this whole time & that this error might have almost cost us our realities.

So what is this reason? It’s actually self-evident like I said when we just step back and think about it for a moment. Separate interest. So what does that mean? Separate interest from what? Whose separate interest? First, we address existence/reality in its sum totality, i.e. all of the energy that exists now, has existed in the past, and will exist in the future, that from which all of the temporarily manifest gross matter humans can perceive & manipulate in this material universe. Within this oneness of energy/existence, there is two, duality, a form of separation, despite still being part & parcel of the one original & absolute Whole, far beyond the realm of material reasoning, what to speak of human understanding. The separation is not separation in a physical capacity as this is before the formation of the physical universe. The separation is when the individual unit of consciousness (precursor animating energy for the living entity) turns from Whole-consciousness (what is known as Krishna consciousness, always having the spontaneous devotional service mood toward the centre/Whole) and instead chooses to desire self-service.

It is only possible to exploit that which is lesser, so the finite individual spark of consciousness must descend in a covered state of illusion to a place of finite material resources as this is all that can be manipulated by the jiva-atma (conditioned soul/consciousness). The longer the soul toils in the plane of exploitation & self-service, the heavier the covering of materialism & moral relativism becomes, blinding the soul to its original position & source as an eternal conscious spark of ecstasy in the subservient position to the infinite original source of everything. It is sweeter to serve than be served, to love than to be loved, to give than to receive. To see the joy an act of devotional service can bring to someone will fill the heart of the giver double as much as the receiver. What to speak of giving to the source of giving… the origin of all that we are, we can be, we were, and we will be.

If we can remember that we do not belong in this lower world of selfish separate interest from the Whole, we will rediscover our true natures of units of service, not exploitation. Things fall apart when we are each trying to get everything for ourselves without consideration if anyone else gets anything. But when we water the root of the tree, all the leaves are nourished. Similarly, if we serve the Whole, each individual part of it is satisfied, too. This world does not belong to us & we do not belong to it. This world existed before us & will go on without us. It does not need us & we do not need to be pulled down by it. Yes, it is difficult to try to rise above the ubiquitous nature of the finite that’s always taunting us & whispering lies to us, saying we need to do all of these things to be successful, telling us that untruths are truths & vice versa. Yes, it is a long journey that takes lifetimes, but it is very, very possible to start seeing the positive results of your efforts within a year if you truly & sincerely desire to start trying to work on yourself.

We are creating our realities here in this lesser plane by projecting what we desire to be so onto what is. We constantly go around reinforcing our mental paradigm & anything that doesn’t fit, we ignore and/or take issue with. THIS is what is the problem. We see the material energy as a playground for us to manipulate as we like, as we see fit. But we are any of us tiny finite specks to say that any one of us knows any better than the other? No matter who it is, they will still only be able to see & operate from their limited, biased perspective & self-interested opinion, no matter how objective they try to be. It makes no sense to follow any human, but rather to search out what it is that makes us human, what gave us our humanity & what it means to be human. What is our purpose & who are we truly meant to follow & serve. No matter what we desire, we will always have a master, so we might as well choose the master that will actually liberate us from our temporary material entanglements that are bringing so much emotional turbulence all of the time.

While you may think you don’t care about anything that others are doing or how your actions impact others, it is truly not in one’s best self-interest to ignore the consequences of their actions because contributing to the destruction of society will have negative results in the individual attempting to exploit & self-serve. This brings me to the ultimate point of this rant. No matter your apathy, indifference, pessimism, or cynicism, when you choose to live in a society/civilization because you value the amenities & privileges that come with the institutional protection, you enter into a social contract which holds you responsible & accountable to speaking up when another individual is doing something to the detriment of the overall society. Too many people are silent because they think it doesn’t matter. It does. This idea that people can just do whatever they want, this really permissive culture that’s developing today is fundamentally destructive & divisive.

It’s a fallacy & a lie that people can do whatever they want without consequence in this world, whether you live in a community or not. The natural law of this world is action/reaction so no matter what you do, say, THINK, there is a reaction coming & ignoring it or choosing to not believe it is what keeps us miserable in our self-perpetuated delusion built on laziness & fear. When you choose to live in a society of people, you forfeit the right to do things that are going to destabilize or be detrimental to the overall wellbeing of the community. That’s just fact. There are so many facts in this world that people are trying to use sophistry to argue against, but they’re just pot-stirrers that need to be ignored. Trolls will always exist, but we need to stop giving them such credence. It’s the smallest groups that are always the loudest, so let’s not give into their false reports of how widespread despondency & cruelty are. This is just another trick to keep us down for hope is the greatest weapon. As we all know, “rebellions are built on hope,” and what we need now, just like what we’ve always needed & always will need more than anything is an internal, spiritual rebellion against the misconceptions we’ve been force-fed from birth.

“No man is an island.” You are not alone. Even if you are isolating, you are still intrinsically connected to everyone and everything else. You are constantly impacting others just as they are constantly impacting you, whether intentionally or not. Just like it’s a fact that we are born, get sick, grow old, and die, there are many harsh truths in life we need to accept in order to be able to lead the best, healthiest, happiest, most productive life possible, and one of them is that none of us live in a bubble, no matter how hard we try. Even before we were born & after we will die, we were & will be forever connected to each other and everything else. That is what it means to all be made of the same eternally existent energy/consciousness.

Stop lying to yourself. Stop keeping yourself in a state of depression that is based on fabricated realities. You’ve been deceived & you continue to keep the delusion going. It’s no longer necessary, though. It’s time we let go of our past pains, traumas, hopes, beliefs, realities, existences. It’s time we let go of all preconceived notions of success/failure, good/bad, right/wrong, true/false, etc. These are all man-made concepts & we are capable of so much more than all that. We need to shed our self-imposed limitations, our self-created goals based on our separate desires. We need to stop pretending that we have no impact, effect, or influence over the world. Our very existence changes the entire universal composition. There is only so much to go around, so even the smallest life-form is significant to this world. If we truly want to change this world, become happier, healthier, become the people we wanna be, see everything become better, we have to “be the change we want to see in the world.”

It’s hard, I know. It’s the hardest thing, because it’s the highest thing to aspire for. It’s the sole purpose of existence & the culmination of all that life aims to be and do. However, this is why there are infinite other souls also going through the same thing. We are here to support each other in our respective journeys. No two paths are alike, but what is beneficial & what is detrimental to the advancement of all jiva’s journeys is very obvious when we use our higher judgment. I’m always here for anyone who wants to start making the change. All you gotta do is reach out! Haribol! ❤

God =/= God

Hey! If I amend the first two statements, this applies to me, too!

‘I believe in God.
I’m a Theist.

I consider myself a critical thinker, and it fascinates me that in the 21st century most people still believe in, as George Carlin puts it, ‘the invisible man living in the sky.’

Before we lump all “religious,” “spiritual,” or “theistic” people into the same group, let’s remember that there are countless different traditions & practices that definitely have nothing to do with the currently massively held misconception of misinterpretations, deliberate mistranslations, and missing sections.

It’s tough to fault people for being confused when we’re all told to value and believe things from birth that are logically inconsistent and then never shown how to think critically in school, which to me is mind-blowing, but ever so sadly, not at all surprising anymore. This world exists to lie to us. To dupe & ensnare us, which is why humans are so obsessed with truth & reality. We crave knowledge so we can be right because what we know and believe is real and true.

Honesty & openness are so important because everywhere we turn, there is deceit. Even when not interacting with other humans, this world of matter will convince us of tigers that aren’t there in every bush. It’s just nature, but we can choose to cultivate the gift humans alone have been given, which is the ability for higher thought & abstract reasoning. As such, it just breaks my heart when I see so many people arguing over simple things that could have been solved in elementary school had the kids just been taught how to think & talk instead of just to feel and do without considering consequences or others being affected.

The word/concept of God is far older & far more expansive than the most currently most popular/widespread western translation/transliteration of God which carries such a bulk of connotation with it that for me, it’s almost rendered meaningless. Also, it’s a title, not a name, so that’s also something to consider. The same has happened with the world religion. It now has such heavy connotations that it basically can’t be used as it literally means because 9/10 or more people in the USA at least will not understand.

Religion actually means yoga & vice versa denotatively. It’s from Latin, re-ligiare, to re-bind or re-unite. What this means is that where there once was One, now there is Two, and the process of rejoining with the Whole into this One again is called the practice of religion, or yoga, which is why all yogic practices were once considered religious practices. Again, since religious isn’t used as it really means anymore as it implies dogma & dharma & sins & commandments, & so on, people in the west today seem to favor saying they’re spiritual instead of religious, which I think is a term that’s getting misused as well, because again to me, denotatively it simply means one who believes in spirit, i.e. something supra-mundane & immaterial, aka pre-material, that which existed before even the primordial.

The fact of the matter is that to discuss purely theistic concepts, since they’re so far beyond the realm of what is known & experienced on a daily basis when operating in the physical plane, critical thinking, abstract reasoning, and higher cognitive capacity, while not necessary to understand the spiritual, actually super help when first approaching religion in an intellectual mindset. While this can be the case, however, I maintain a strict position personally that if one truly desires to learn more about any spiritual/religious practice, it is always best to go to the source.

I advise if one truly wants to try and understand what the God phenomenon really is, it’s a matter of having to find the right people actually. Try to find someone who is earnestly, humbly, and sincerely striving to practice what they preach, live their lives as closely to the earliest teachings of their tradition in a way that is wholly personal & not at all dogmatic or about anyone or anything else externally. Then try to open your heart actually. Opening one’s mind is important, but the mind is easily influenced by the heart & true religion is about the heart, not the head