Just a gentle reminder about what effective communication entails. Emotions can cause us to forget simple truths.
A fact of human psychology is that people respond better to gentle dialogue that’s geared toward facilitating comfort, safety, & validation. What that means is that if you’re serious in trying to change people’s paradigms, which is arguably one of the hardest things to do in life as people identify their paradigms as realities, it’s imperative that the person you’re speaking with is in a receptive mindset. You can correct someone until you’re blue in the face, but if you’ve not communicated in a manner that’s effective, it was nothing but a waste of time for everyone involved & can possibly cause the opposite of what the original intentions & desired results were to occur. This is a huge problem that we’re seeing in the online activist communities. This is why the phrases SJW & PC Policing have become very negative. Even the word intersectionality has acquired a bad connotation because of how the people who were using it were behaving.
Part of facilitating an effective interpersonal exchange is meeting someone halfway. You can have your goal for the conversation in mind when you go in, but you have to adapt & adjust how you are approaching the person as they reveal their own personal paradigm. If someone’s paradigm is so contrary to your own that you’re struggling to find common ground, it’ll be extremely difficult to effectively communicate anything to one another. We have to learn how others think & process things in order to figure out how we can get them to actually listen to what we’re saying & implement any desired changes they agree with.
We cannot force anyone to do anything against their will. This is a fact & a basic human right. To do that is to use violence to try to get what you want. The only respectful & ultimately positively productive way to facilitate change in our society is to treat all humans as individuals who are unique & deserving respect, regardless of what their faults & flaws may be. All humans have both strengths & weaknesses, including you & me, so we have to work with one another to develop strategies that are healthy & inclusive to the different ways people think/feel/act.
A lot of my life was spent bashing my head against the walls others threw up against me, but I was only hurting myself doing that. It made me look foolish & inconsiderate so it caused people to be even less willing to listen to me. I realized that I had to adjust the way that I was interacting with others if I wanted to successfully share my perspective on things. It’s very hard to do, & I’m always learning, growing, changing, adapting, etc., but it’s a very worthwhile endeavor. Ever since choosing to work on my outward presentation in discussions, I’ve had far more successful, positive, & productive interactions than negative ones. I hope to help others learn to develop similar modes & methods for communicating. One thing that I found to be extremely helpful was Marsha Linehan’s DBT module regarding interpersonal effectiveness.
If you haven’t already heard of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, I highly recommend checking it out. There are many DBT groups that are covered by health insurance. I can’t stress enough how life-changing they can be! I struggled a lot the first time I took the IE module. Even the 2nd time I took it. 3rd time was still tricky, but it got better as I started to implement the suggested techniques in my real life interactions & really did my best to take what was advised to heart. I’m still learning, always learning, will never stop, but I can already tell that I’m leaps & bounds ahead of where I once was, and for that, I’m eternally grateful. My life has improved SO much just with me choosing to reflect on how I react to things & altering those behavior patterns. It’s hard work, but it’s fully possible for everyone to do. If you’re interested in learning more about this, please let me know! ❤
It came out when I was 12 & I remember feeling very uncomfortable watching it with all the girls in my grade who were laughing when something messed up happened. I didn’t wanna be “uncool” or made fun of so I tried to ignore the fact that I was disturbed by their reactions more than what was going on in the film.
I remember a couple of images got into my head & spooked me when I was alone in the night (I did have a fascination with creepy imagery though so while I was into it, I would have preferred my mind not try to play tricks on me) & just kept thinking that if I let anyone know about that, they’d never let me hear the end of it. While I’m sure the film won’t affect me the way it did when I was younger since it was the first time I’d seen some of that kind of stuff, I’m going to rewatch it for nostalgic factor & hope that I can maybe lay some of that childhood tension that I still feel in my bones to bed. I am starting to think that a lot of why I developed so many psychological health issues is because I wasn’t allowed to process my reactions to things in a healthy way.
I remember everyone criticized the movie for being “so lame” & not as good as the original Japanese version, but there was just something that sat wrong with me that kids were not allowed to appreciate the horror of a disturbing situation for what it was & instead had to pretend to be amused or entertained by it lest they get labeled as weak & picked on. This just strikes me as a very unhealthy coping mechanism & it made it so that I internalized this toxic reaction to exhibiting emotional vulnerability. I started to bully & rip on others who would show sincere emotional reactions, too. I stopped being able to express how I was feeling about things for fear that people would reject me & ostracize me for being a “pussy.”
There is comedic horror, but there is also something to be said being able to appreciate the emotional horror of a situation even if the production value isn’t excellent. But regardless of all of that, I now don’t think it’s ever okay to make fun of someone for expressing emotional vulnerability even if you personally don’t feel the same way. ESPECIALLY if the person who is feeling disturbed or uncomfortable is a child. It’s very sad to me that kids get peer pressured into acting “tough” or more accurately, heartless, to be accepted. That’s pretty sick. Way sicker than anything that happens in these fictional horror movies, imho.
Nowadays, while I don’t really get “scared” by horror, it’s hard for me to even get spooked or creeped out because I’ve been so desensitized & oversaturated, I let myself cry if I feel the emotional horror of a story moves me to feel that way. It’s cathartic & it lets me know I’m still a human being with empathy & compassion. Horror is one of my favorite genres because it tells the story of the depths to which humans are capable of sinking. They’re cautionary tales to me. That’s what’s horrific, not necessarily the gore or violence or creepy imagery. It’s about the themes of emotional & psychological violence that’s what’s disturbing & I think I picked up on that when I was a kid since I lived in a real life horror story with my very own real life monsters terrorizing my dreams AND waking life. I didn’t find these films “funny” because I was a child & didn’t have any greater context other than knowing what it meant to feel unsafe constantly. I can laugh at things now, but I think being forced to hide the fact that I didn’t find these things funny at the time did some real psychological damage so I am speaking out against that now.
Things have ratings for a reason. We’re supposed to protect kids from watching things for a reason. They don’t have the emotional & intellectual maturity to understand what’s going on & while people can argue that they were exposed to all kinds of messed up stuff as a kid & they turned out fine, let’s really examine that stance. Did they REALLY turn out okay? Just take a look at our society, our world. Suicide, homicide, & mental illness rates are sky high. People are obsessed with all kinds of unhealthy & dangerous behaviors. Empathy & compassion are rare, undervalued traits. No one knows how to communicate with one another. We aren’t there for each other. No one feels safe or cared for. It feels like we’re alone in the world & everything is out to get us. Maybe if we could make some more room for emotional safe spaces for one another (AND ourselves), things wouldn’t be going the way they are. Just a thought.
And on that note, on to enjoy some silly old horror film with the hope that I can get some sort of closure/catharsis from this conscious, deliberate viewing as an adult. Maybe it won’t bring anything so profound & will just be a fun way to pass a few hours, but one can hope, right? ;P
Here is some of what I’ve been thinking about lately.
Part of my black or white, all or nothing, rigid thinking includes me vacillating between thinking that I have super awesome unique talents, skills, traits, and attributes that are worthwhile, positive, useful, helpful, and beneficial and feeling that my strong personality, preferences, opinions, and ways of expressing myself are too difficult for people to find worth tolerating or putting up with.
I often worry about things like finding a career that I love or a meaningful relationships when I wonder why anyone would bother accommodating me when I struggle so much with super basic “common sense” things that the majority of other humans just seem to innately pick up. I worry about people thinking I’m faking my confusion or inability to understand what they consider to be super basic and straightforward instructions when they see me using high level vocabulary and forming articulate arguments using advanced critical thinking when expressing abstract concepts in casual conversation. It gives me anxiety & dread to think that if I don’t try to dumb myself down, people might assume I’m looking for pity or hand-outs or trying to exploit the system by asking for additional resources and support in my daily life when I don’t seem to have a “severe developmental disability.”
The truth of the matter is that I haven’t even really started living my life fully out of fear because each time I’ve tried to venture forth by going back to school or getting another job, something’s always inevitably come to challenge me in a way that overwhelms me & send me running for the hills again. It’s not like I want to just waste away in my room all day every day. This genuinely makes me sad & stressed because I feel the minutes of my life just slipping away. I’m a normal person like everyone else in that I have hopes, dreams, goals, desires, etc. but because anytime I’ve tried to work towards an aspiration of mine, it feels like a million dangerous roadblocks get erected no matter what path I try to take, I get drained, discouraged, and disheartened.
Despite being a decently articulate & introspective individual, it’s very hard for me to explain in a detailed manner exactly what’s “wrong” with me in terms of why I need “disability” services. I don’t even know why I struggle a lot of the time or what it is that I do that’s inappropriate or ineffectual. Over the years, people have used certain language to describe my thought & behavior patterns and sometimes it’s been difficult to accept their assessments as accurate because I see everything from a totally different perspective, naturally. I almost feel incapable of seeing things from the “mainstream societal perspective” so I don’t think I’m the person to ask when it comes to my challenges a lot of the time. That being said, I’ve developed some defense mechanisms where I’ve been able to hide a lot of the qualities in me that would initially stand out to others as red flags or unusual/abnormal as a survival technique. This is called masking & because I’ve gotten so good at it in certain settings, a lot of external observers can’t tell what’s going on inside of me that’s causing me to feel like I’m struggling so much. This has actually worked to my detriment because now I don’t know how to explain these difficulties AND many others don’t even see me struggling.
The past few years or so, I’ve been trying to “unmask” more & be a bit more true to my authentic self so that outside observers could give me additional feedback on what they think might be going on so I can get more/better help. It’s also just exhausting to mask & it makes me feel like I’m being dishonest about who I am, which I absolutely hate, so I’m also doing this simply to feel more comfortable in my everyday life & interactions. However, the less I mask, other new obstacles arise that I’m having to learn how to contend with. I know that life is never going to be obstacle free, but it definitely gets tiresome to be working to minimize difficulties in one area only to discover ten more popping up somewhere else.
I know a lot of people in my life are unsure as to why I talk about Autism so much, and I know that many remain skeptical about my being on the spectrum in the first place despite having received an official diagnosis from a specialist. I know that others dismiss it as just “another label” & think I shouldn’t be putting so much focus into it. I just want y’all to understand that the reason this has been so important to me is because receiving this diagnosis has given me the language I was lacking when it comes to trying to explain a lot of the difficulties I face on a daily basis. Being autistic explains so much of why I feel, think, express myself how I do. I know this may be hard to understand when one’s grasp of what Autism is has been misinformed by stereotypes, outdated information, or limited personal experiences.
In the end, all I hope people can take away from me sharing my thoughts & feelings is that while a person may “look” or “seem” a certain way to you, that may not be the case. We are all very unique & have our own vastly different experiences, strengths, weaknesses, etc. and that’s great. The thing is, since we are all so different, this means we gotta try to understand, when others are struggling in ways we haven’t, we can’t possibly ever fully know what exactly they’re going through, no matter how similar it may seem to something we have experienced or something we have seen someone else experience. Instead of trying to offer advice or share personal anecdotes of how we underwent something we THINK is related, it’s more productive to wipe the slate clean and assume this is a fully new & unique situation we have never encountered before because that’s the truth of the matter. Every since situation that occurs, though it may seem similar to others, is fully unique & new, and thus needs to be treated that way. I advise trying to learn more about the specifics of each new situation, person, event, and ask about what you can do to be supportive to the people in that situation.
A lot of the time people won’t actually know what can be done, if anything, because that requires a lot of introspection & the ability to verbalize what might just be a jumble of nebulous feelings in a constructive & concise way. That’s a very rare & valuable skillset that has to be cultivated over a good amount of time with the help of professionals, especially therapists. Things are always changing, and this can be confusing, especially when it comes to the medical fields of psychology & neuroscience. There is still so much we don’t understand about our brains & bodies, so all we can do is be patient and work together to further our collective understanding to the best of our abilities. I hope that with continued efforts & courage, I’ll eventually be able to make significant headway when it comes to finding the appropriate resources for my personal situation, and that that will help me finally be able to actually start living my life in a more decided, deliberate, dedicated way.
See, the thing is, this whole “gender/sex/identity/etc is a spectrum” thing is a lot less complicated than it’s been made out to seem.
After education became standardized by government mandates, the curriculum taught to children was structured in a very unhelpful way. What we are being taught in schools isn’t actually factually accurate most of the time either due to a lack of information that we haven’t discovered yet, a misunderstanding of the info we currently have, or simply a straight up altered/fabricated fact that has been woven in for political control of society.
In terms of science (i.e. biology & other related fields), gender/sex has NEVER been binary. There is no single living entity or species that is purely binary because our world is a complex webwork of infinite interconnected shades of gray. There is no pure black nor pure white, cut & dry facts dividing things into neat little boxes the way that we’ve been trained to desire since birth, and this is a huge part of why it FEELS like it’s so confusing & complicated simply being alive. We’ve been brainwashed into desiring things that are either nonexistent or unattainable. This is part of what’s contributing to the skyrocketing numbers of suicides & homicides. It’s why everyone is so miserable & thinks life is hell. We’re living in a hellish reality that’s been carefully constructed, but it’s our choice to keep living that lie. We don’t have to live like that anymore. All the information you need is at your fingertips now! Google, google, google! But don’t forget to cross reference!
For too long now, we have been taught that there are only two biological sexes & two gender identities that exist in human beings, but this is veryyyy far from the truth & is actually only a recent belief that’s been forced onto everyone. Those who are “coming out” as “non-binary” in the modern western world are simply challenging the preconceived notion that those ideas are fact. We are simply saying, “Hey, wait a sec, guys. Before you try to assign categories & put people into boxes, maybe just try to get to know them as people first & focus on the inside more than the outside.” We aren’t trying to invade your space or make you do anything you don’t wanna do. We are simply saying that we are here, too, so if you’re struggling to accept our existence, perhaps it’d be beneficial for you to take a look at what you think you know about certain subjects & do a bit more research before forming any super firm conclusions or opinions on it all. Just take a split second to think about stuff & maybe gather some additional information before reacting to what’s happening/being said. That’s called being respectful & considerate of another living being. No more, no less.
I was hesitant to make public claims about something I feel is so unimportant in the scheme of things lest people start to believe that I’m someone who identifies with their physical form in some significant way. I don’t. My body couldn’t mean less to me other than that it’s my vessel of experience in this particular lifetime. I want to do my best to take care of it because it will operate better if it’s healthy & satisfied. I’m making some changes because I believe it will make my overall quality of life better, & I unfortunately need to bring up some specific subjects & conversation topics for people to get a better understanding of why/how it will all work exactly. I’m sharing this info not because I care to some excessive degree what others thing about me, but more out of a desire for less inconvenient & draining social interactions in the future.
Part of being an introvert means that I get tired when socializing very quickly. Writing blog posts like this isn’t socializing. I’m just sharing thoughts & feelings as they are arising within me. Answering questions, while I totally am happy to do so if they’re respectful & well-intentioned, can drain me a bit, so it’ll sometimes take me a bit longer to respond to them, but the thing that drains me the most is casual small talk where I don’t know exactly what the QUD (question under discussion) is, i.e. what the other participant(s) of the conversation are desiring to get out of it. People will say that they don’t want anything; they just want to talk to talk/spend time together. This is actually false. Humans get together to socialize to grow emotionally closer together, to receive validation on their own experiences, to understand things better, to entertain/be entertained, etc. There are myriad reasons why people socialize, but the truth is there always is a reason. If I don’t know what the reason is going in, conversations can get dicey because I don’t pick up on the subtle non-verbal cues others are throwing in to try to help guide me. When people aren’t picking up on cues, the one dropping them may feel insulted, offended, confused, hurt, etc. This is also for many reasons, but this is all topics for another discussion than the one I’m having in this post.
The reason I mention how draining it is for me to socialize is that a lot of social interactions with people I don’t know (and unfortunately even with some I DO know), is because it relates back to my decision to transition my outward gender expression in this new year. Gender is an expression. Biological sex is a description, but it’s only relevant to medical professionals, so it’s no one else’s business. I have chosen to attempt to withhold expressing a lot of attributes of my personality because it was inconvenient to have to attempt to manage the reactions I was getting with my limited social energy reserves that are so easily depleted. Now, I am making the connection that if I did put a little more energy/effort into some form of outward self-expression, take this a bit more into my own control instead of allowing others to dictate it, I might get LESS drained in future social situations because even if there will be the occasional extreme reaction like hate speech or hate acts coming from a place of fear/lack of understanding, this will not be the norm. At least, not if I choose to keep living in safe/supportive communities like I have been. I know not everyone has this privilege, so I do consider myself extremely fortunate in this regard.
In having these discussions in a public forum, I’m hoping that I can help show others that these are not things to be afraid of or embarrassed by or intolerant of. There’s nothing weird or abnormal or unhealthy about any of this. It’s simply talking about things that were swept under the carpet in our society long ago. Thankfully with the advent of the interwebs, we can now disseminate information that “the powers that be” may not be too keen on giving out. Knowledge is power, right? So if we share all the new info we are getting with one another & checking the validity & soundness of it amongst ourselves, it’s only a matter of time before the cultural consciousness & zeitgeist naturally shift, thereby forcing the political hands. Let’s stop focusing on what all of these relics of the past are doing & get on board with the way of the future. Free information flow! Helping each other by constantly working to improve ourselves!
Right now, I’m working on getting my mind/body healthy & finding a way to participate more fundamentally in human society whilst still feeling that I’m maintaining as authentic of a self-expression as possible at all times. I feel like I’m getting closer. Talking about it all in the public eye helps because then I can reflect on all of the feedback, comments, questions, and reactions, and use that additional info to further refine my own mental paradigm.
It’s scary to choose to be happy when you never thought you had the power to make such a decision before ever. You wonder if it’s a trap, a deception. You wonder if you’re just going to get hurt again if you allow yourself to dream, to hope once more. So, let’s be brave! Let’s allow ourselves to take the chance to risk our emotional safety for the possibility of greater gain! Life is scary because it’s about coming to terms with infinite unknowns & the fact that we don’t have any control over anything but our own experience of existence. But scary isn’t bad! Scary can be great! It’s thrilling. It makes you feel alive. And EVERYONE is scared. Even the people doing all of the things you WISH you would/could do. They’re scared, too. After all…
If you remove the gender commentary, this post is actually just a really great observation of how human society as a whole has been acting in general lately. It’s worse than ever before because it wasn’t as easy to act like a total troll & get away with it like we can now in the past. This is typically what it feels every time I try to have a basic convo with someone. It’s like, “Woah, woah, woah! No one is trying to start a war here. We’re simply asking you to take responsibility for the consequences of your own actions! Calm tf down already! It’s all okay! Just think more first & react less!”
Yes, our egos hate to fess up when we mess up because it’s embarrassing to make mistakes, especially publicly, or to be shown the error of our ways when we didn’t even realize that what we said or did was impacting another person so severely, but that’s no excuse to act a jerk & blame everything/everyone but ourself. This will just perpetuate the problems instead of addressing them to ensure they won’t happen again, or at least with such frequency/lack of awareness. We have to use our brains to think about our thoughts, feelings, words, & deeds, how all of these things are impacting/might impact us & others BEFORE deciding to implement them.
It still is a somewhat radical notion in modern America, but the truth of the matter is that we are fully capable of changing our thought patterns, which means that what we choose to spend time thinking about/the language we use when thinking about stuff actually will influence our behavior, feelings, & actions. We are literally shaping new worlds for ourselves to live in & project onto others at all times, so isn’t it our responsibility to try to make sure that we’re doing our best to keep them as healthy, positive, & productive as possible for all impacted by them?
Google Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (Dialectical Behavioral therapy is related, but focuses more on the emotional/interpersonal elements, but also uses a lot of CBT in it) if you’re not sure what I’m talking about. It’s beneficial & very helpful. If you change your world, the world you’re creating and projecting onto existence, you can literally change your quality of life 🙂
Just a random factual statement made w/ neutral intentions:
I appreciate when people let me know they care about me, but sometimes I feel smothered or overwhelmed if people do it too much.
It can kinda freak me out & make me fear that the person is being insincere, à la “methinks the lady doth protest too much.” I can be a bit standoffish emotionally if someone continues to inform me of how much they care about me. It’s not that I don’t appreciate the affection, but rather, I simply show mine differently & am kind of uncomfortable expressing myself in those context/circumstances. You don’t need to tell me that you care about me if you want me to know it. Show me you care by trying to learn about the things that I talk about a lot because it means they’re important to me. Tell me you’re thinking about me by sending me something that reminded you of me & tell me why because I won’t necessarily get it if you just send me a pic or quote with no context. Doesn’t mean I’m not happy to get it – just means I’m genuinely confused & trying to figure out what it means to you heh.
I get that I can seem rude or distant or condescending or even callous & lacking in empathy at times. The truth is, I probably am just confused because I’m lacking context. This is actually my general state of existence. The reason I ask so many questions, talk about random stuff all the time, am always consuming tons of media & fiction, etc. is because I’m desperately trying to gather more information on what it means to be human & how to establish healthy, positive, productive meaningful relationships/connections with other living beings. It’s pretty tough for me. I feel like Jane Goodall observing the monkeys – trying to mimic their behaviors to fit in/be accepted as one of them, but really & truly being in the honest darkness & just doing the best to figure out what’s going on. It’s nice when the monkeys are trying to mimic me & that SOMETIMES helps me to get a better idea of what’s going on, but a lot of the time, I’m still just as lost. I see you trying to communicate with me, but I still don’t know what you’re trying to say. I’m trying to communicate with you, but I don’t know how to say what it is that I want to say in order for you to hear it the way that I mean it to be interpreted.
Also, know that I like almost all other animals more than humans so the Goodall/monkey comparison isn’t meant to be patronizing or inegalitarian in any way. Just an example of two different species trying to communicate with each other. This is largely why I feel so alien. Please forgive my awkward stiltedness when we’re communicating going forward. I’m working on smoothing out the bumps, & sounding less like an arrogant, inconsiderate prick. I promise.
So, I’m about to be going down to 50mg of lamotrigine – I was at 200mg for years, so that’s pretty huge – next week. I’m still at 25mg of venlafaxine, but I was on 150mg for almost the same amount of time that I was on lamotrigine for. I’m hoping to be off of lamotrigine by the end of January if not sooner & off of venlafaxine by March if not sooner.
In terms of withdrawal symptoms, things have been pretty okay. My brain is kinda delicate feeling & sensory stimuli is more intense than it’s been in a long while, but it’s manageable. All in all, I’m not having too many physical issues from reducing as far as I can tell. I am noticing that my emotional states are have been heightened again. Since I’m feeling things more, I’ve been a bit spazzier/all over the place. I’ve also noticed an increase in anger, which is giving me a shorter fuse again. That kinda sucks, so if I’ve been testy with you lately, I apologize. It’s gonna be an adjustment learning how to cope with the intensity of my emotional range in its entirety again. I believe I can do it, but it might just be a bit rocky for a while. All in all, however, I think it’s going well, & I’m optimistic.
The hypnotherapist has been working wonders for me. I’ve only been twice, but she’s actually quite incredible. I wish that I should have tried this ages ago because it’s targeting what’s going on in the body to alleviate the stressors in my mind instead of the reverse which hasn’t ever helped. It’s going to require a lot of practice before I can start implementing these techniques on my own, so I hope that I don’t have to stop going anytime soon.
I’m also looking into different outpatient support services to help “disabled” adults here in Bellingham & really hope I find some that can aid me in changing my day to day lifestyles. I think I need to look into a lawyer who helps cases like me to get access to certain resources, because it’s all very daunting & exhausting trying to do on my own. The system pushes back really hard in order to try to discourage people from asking for help, so unless you are working with someone who knows how to jump through all the hoops, you can get repeatedly denied & screwed worse than you were before. I’ve heard of some services & organizations that are worth looking into, however. I’d love to be able to live on my own again at some point, but just getting out of bed & taking care of daily things would be a nice start.
I have a lot of phone calls to make & appointments to schedule in the next few days/weeks if I wanna get the ball rolling for my plans in the new year. It makes me tired just thinking about it all, but if it might help me be less tired later on, it’s worth pushing forward. I may be going at a snail’s pace, but at least I’m still going. One step at a time…
So this has been a tough decision for me that I’ve been wrestling with for a few years now, but I’ve finally decided to start my non-binary transition process in the new year once I’m fully off of meds because then I’ll see what my baseline is without any chemicals in my body before starting on testosterone/hormone therapy. I’ll be starting the process for requesting a hysterectomy ASAP and then figure out top surgery (bilateral double mastectomy) afterwards. One step at a time. I figured I just need to be brave and do it since this desire has persisted even after the years have passed by. I know that those who are my real friends & family will still love and accept me no matter what I look like. It may just be a bit of an adjustment period for some to get used to.
In terms of pronouns, I pretty much still don’t care since non-binary/agender means that none really sound right as I don’t even identify with my body & would prefer to be genderless, but if you want a definitive answer, the easiest would be just using gender neutral pronouns as I already do on my facebook/surveys/legal forms/etc., i.e. “Jax Bayne updated THEIR profile picture.” If you wanna be spiffy & call me he/him, that’s rad & preferable to she/her, but if you still use feminine pronouns for me, I’m not gonna be offended or get triggered or anything. I get that it’s tough for some to wrap their brains around non-binary gender identity/expression. I honestly feel more like an “it” than anything, but people have a negative connotation with that as they find it dehumanizing & to most, that’s a bad thing haha. As I already don’t feel human, it isn’t negative to me, but I understand that people wanna feel like they’re being respectful, so when in doubt, just stick with they/them.
Thanks to all the kindness & support I’ve received over the years when it comes to processing all of this stuff. It’s been tough trying to figure out what I feel the right thing for me to do is, but with a lot of guidance & help, I think I’m finally able to see what path I wanna take more clearly going forward. If there’s anything else you wanna know on the subject, please feel free to send me a message with your questions & I’ll do my best to respond as quickly as possible. No questions are off-limits. I’m happy to answer anything you want to know & might feel shy or uncomfortable asking others regarding the subject because the only way to help bring acceptance & understanding is to spread awareness & education
I have now reduced the amount of Lamotrigine I’m taking by half & am on a lower dosage of Venlafaxine, too. I’m actually feeling better already. I can feel emotions again. I am interested in doing things, getting excited about stuff, making goals, etc., which is a first in like years. I even cooked last night. Cleaning was still excruciatingly difficult, but I did it.
I did my intake appt w/ the hypnotherapist, and I actually really love her already. I’m more optimistic about therapy than I have been in ages now. We did a lil test to see how receptive I’d be, and while it was only a few minutes & kind of hard at first, very soon my whole body was relaxing, which caused my mind to quiet down. It felt really good. I can’t wait to do it again. I just wish it were covered by insurance. Le sigh.
I need to find a way to start paying for daily vitamins/supplements since they’re not covered by insurance either. I pretty much know which are the best to take, but they’re all expensive. I hope to start exercising again soon, too. Sleep & appetite have even improved a bit already. I’m going to bed earlier than 3am & not sleeping in past noon. Major improvement. Still tired & bleh feeling, but at least I have more day again.
I’m still working on appealing the disability claim & this time I think I’m going to go more of the autism/emotional dysregulation route because I really don’t think bipolar is an accurate diagnosis anymore. It’s primarily biochemical & I’m not responding to psych drugs. All my symptoms/difficulties can be explained by the combination of borderline & autism, too. I wanna start looking into more local adult autism support things, but it’s such a small town, I haven’t heard of many resources. Maybe I can start a meetup group or something.
Speaking of autism support, pictured is me in my new noise canceling headphones & new floofy mongoose onesie thanks to the Amazon gift cards SPARK for Autism gave me in exchange for taking their research surveys for autistic adults! They email me whenever a new one comes out. They’re awesome. Thanks, SPARK! 🙂
Anyway, I THINK that’s mostly all that’s going on currently. There are some other things I’ve been thinking about, but they’re not related to health/life updates, so I’ll mention them in another post.
As always, thanks for your support & encouragement. You’re good peeps. Much love to all ❤
Someone asked me to explain why I like being autistic. I suppose it’s because there’s still a lot of stigma & misunderstanding about what autism really is. So, for those who are curious, here’s my personal experience w/ my particular flavor of autism (because it’s different for everyone).
Autism is a different way of processing, experiencing, interfacing, & interacting with the world so it gives me abilities & insights that the average neurotypical individual doesn’t get. Often the talents & qualities that come naturally to me are things NTs have to work hard on developing & cultivating. I have proficiencies & talents in many areas, as well as a higher aptitude for certain tasks than most. It’s sometimes embarrassing to talk about because it seems like I’m bragging, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like the fact that I literally test off the charts linguistically & that I’m able to assimilate, process, and expound upon new abstract concepts within moments of learning about them.
I love the feeling of my brain working when I’m thinking about subjects that fascinate me & I love how much data I can retain about my special interests. I also would be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy wowing people with my knowledge base, inferences, extrapolations, & deductions on various subjects. I don’t, however, flaunt my knowledge for the sake of it & do my best to not come off as condescending or patronizing, though I know I often fail in this endeavor due to my overly formal & pedantic wording. I love how fast I pick up new things that interest me & I am always eager to share my newfound knowledge & skills with others. It’s one of my biggest joys in life. This is especially the case when it comes to academic, artistic, & creative pursuits. I simply LOVE learning ❤
I also like the fact that things like societal norms & mainstream media-dictated values don’t really affect me. I’ve always questioned why humans do what they do & challenged the idea of just blindly accepting & obeying. I’ve gotten in trouble my whole life for doing, but I have never cared. I’ve always believed it’s more important to think critically than to obey arbitrary established rules. I try to get people to wake up from the hive mind consciousness that’s keeping everyone down, keeping them miserable, thinking that they need to be a certain way or value certain things to be accepted & worthwhile. It’s utter tripe & I will never stop trying to show people why this is the case. I don’t know why it requires bravery & courage to go against the norm, but I attribute this to the autism as well. People have called me these things, but they only apply if you have a fear of being rejected. I have always been rejected no matter what I’ve done, so there’s nothing really to fear since it’s just kinda life for me.
Furthermore, being on the outside, regardless of whether I like it or not, enables me to see things most people don’t when they’re living in the midst of it all, not realizing that their paradigms & opinions have been forced upon them since birth. I constantly point out things that never even occur to most people & have been told that others appreciate my candor & “fresh perspective” on things. I assume that this means it’s an unusual perspective, but that it’s a welcome one when it helps to shatter the oppressive paradigms people unwittingly subject themselves to. I think I provide some level of hope to those who weren’t able to come to certain conclusions on their own.
I help people learn to think in new ways, critically & analytically challenging the world around them as well as their own internal dialogue. I care so much about helping others break free of the pain of conformity & tribalism because I know how much it can hurt to be ostracized for not “fitting in” to the standardized model of an “appropriate” & “successful” lifestyle. Being “different” gives me a level of empathy for those that society casts out as misfits & weirdoes, those who won’t even belong in their fabricated ideal of a perfect society. So many people commit suicide or have self-loathing issues because they don’t conform or live up to these insane & unrealistic standards of “success” & think they’re losers or have no value because they can’t attain the same feats or because they can’t see through the facade that is being projected by those who want to be revered & accepted. It’s disgusting & I’ll never shut up about how backwards this society is & how detrimental it is to a person’s health.
I could probably go on, but this post is already long enough haha. There’s so much to say on the subject & I can refute almost any argument that people make when it comes to “autism is a disorder” or “autism needs to be cured” or any of that. The truth of the matter is that autism just means that a person has an atypical wiring in their brain. Due to that fact, there are a lot of disorders that CAN be co-occurring or co-morbid, but that doesn’t mean they’re actually symptomatic of the autistic brain structure itself. The more research that’s being done, the more we’re starting to understand the difference between what are actually autistic characteristics & qualities themselves and what are symptoms of disorders/diseases that are also present in that particular autistic individual. Just like being NTs are more susceptible to some thought patterns, and like some people are more likely to inherit/develop certain disorders/diseases, autistic individuals have their own tendencies & predispositions, but this doesn’t apply to every autistic just like those other ones don’t apply to every neurotypical.
It’s been super liberating & validating getting the autism diagnosis & learning about how many of my innate abilities & character traits have to do w/ my different neurological structure. Growing up feeling like an alien or some kind of defective human for reasons I couldn’t understand now has an answer behind it. I’m so happy that I have discovered this aspect of myself because it explains so much about how I perceive things & respond to them. Because it’s helped me so much to know all of this stuff, I’ve inadvertently become an autism advocate primarily because I want to help educate people on how autism can be awesome & not something to “worry” about or feel needs “addressing.” Autism often needs accommodation, but all humans are individuals so to a degree everyone needs different accommodations. It just so happens that autistics often need a lot of the same kinds of accommodations, so if anything, that should make it easier! At least we know a lot of what helps autistics to feel better & more comfortable interacting with others & being themselves. If only it were so easy with NTs! 😛
Jax Bayne 
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