The fact that my post calling for organization of protests and political solutions to the crisis we are facing in Whatcom county was removed from the Buy Nothing Sell Nothing Group tells me all I need to know about how hard it is going to be to uproot the white rich privileged complacency here.
And that doesn’t just apply to Whatcom County and Bellingham City, but all of WA state. I am shocked and appalled by the complicit silence y’all be engaging in. It is making me violently ill.
Where can I go?
Where can I find people near me who feel as strongly about what’s happening and who is also ready to act no matter how tough the job?
I refuse to join the colonizer-settler regime and will NEVER again swallow the koolaid that would have me believe it’s possible to reform a FIXED system from within.
Tell me, my people.
Please.
Where can I go?
Who will have someone as intense as me?
Someone as wounded as me?
Who can truly say they are willing and able to go to bat to support an intersectional minority such as myself who is seen as the literal Antichrist by so many in mainstream cultures around the globe?
Who can possibly shelter me without forcing me to conform to your ways, if only just a little?
Where in the world can I truly be free when I do not know how to care for myself by living on the land since I have been divorced and isolated from nature my whole life.
I keep asking high and low for help.
I keep telling everyone I meet that I am NOT okay living in a world that wants me dead.
I AM NOT ILLEGAL FOR EXISTING.
I AM NOT CRAZY FOR KNOWING WHO I AM BETTER THAN 90% OF THE USA AT THIS POINT.
I AM NOT A RADICAL FOR DENOUNCING AND REJECTING AN ATROCITY BEYOND RATIONALIZATION.
There is NO justification of capitalism anymore. It cannot exist without colonialism.
Look very, very hard in the mirror, everyone.
Your greatest fear lies not in the White House, but in what these coming days will reveal about who you actually are.
See me. Know me. I am not aligned with anyone nor anything but myself, Life Itself, and the GCN system I’m building.
I love and support many, as much as I can, but understand that I will never hesitate to cut out any and all connections at a moment’s notice so I can do what I need to survive, escape, and protect myself.
My life is, always has been, and always will be a dangerous one.
This is why I do not let most people get very close to me. To be close to me is to be in danger. I walk a loud path of overt defiance because it is all I can do to not betray my immensely profound need for authentic self-expression.
For some reason, the planet of Earth in 2025 still hasn’t come to understand how to accept and support someone like me despite my literally spelling it out for myriad folks innumerable times throughout my whole lifetime, which currently is about to be 35 years around the sun.
I am tired.
I am sick of being caught in the tangled webs of human nonsense.
All I want to do is build communities that are supportive and safe and protected for intersectional minorities so we can just heal from our cPTSD once and for all! I mean ffs! Is that so much to ask for!?
I am saddened each time I see another friend complete suicide and/or die from another means. I constantly question why I stay here, but then I know there’s no other choice.
I have to get through this.
I will never be the child my parents wanted, nor the person anyone wants really, but at the end of the day, that doesn’t matter. If I can learn to want myself enough to care for myself on a daily basis, I can convince myself that that alone is an act of defiance and resistance because hey, that’s one less minority gone from the USA, right?!
So yeah. I guess I’m finally understanding how to appreciate the spite and rage and bitterness that comes with revolutionary fervor. I suppose I never really knew that everything I was experiencing as a child was training me for this ultimate boss fight. I definitely don’t feel ready at all, but I’ve learned that that also isn’t the point.
Faith and hope and trust mean that I’m gonna take that leap no matter how terrified I am and figure out how to build myself wings on the way down. That’s my life. Maybe one day I’ll learn to build the wings before leaping off of the cliff, but for now, I’ve never really been afforded the privilege of having that ability since everything is still happening constantly at all times, and there’s never a break from anything ever. I cannot escape my mind.
My mind is somehow linked to the collective unconscious of all living beings but humans are the loudest, and god, are we suffering something fierce. It’s making my whole body sick, and my mind fragment like fractals so I can barely function on a daily basis.
I sure do feel like a canary in a coal mine right now, and these fumes are so toxic. I’m dying slowly, and it’s starting with the mind collapsing again. Maybe we all are. I don’t know. It’s hard to feel the separation between me and others sometimes, which is why othering is such a bizarre concept to me.
I don’t think I can get a passport with gender X now so leaving the country will be hard.
I can cross into Canada or Mexico with my EDL, but is anywhere gonna be better?
I’d rather go south than north, but ugh.
I’d rather just wake up Whatcom County or take it by storm.
One way or another.
Something’s got to give already.
Jax Bayne 